working on issues!--"emotional detox"

[sopheetsa]

Hi everybody-- continuing my Day 15 blues:

I felt like I was a real drag *on the main board-- and I don't want to be a burden-- but it really helps me to do this-- so hoping that a little side board might be the thing. I hope if you feel like joining me you feel free to do so. you don't have to respond to anything I'm saying- you can just tell us all how you're feeling and what's going on...and not just the physical-- the emotional...etc!

This morning I got up in major detox at 3:30 AM....and wrote a real rant which I erased.... after SWFing & showerng I went back to sleep, and wrote another rant...came to work. the trees looked brilliant, glistening with a coat of ice. *During the drive to work I called my friend-- who listened to me cry. Got here, sat in on a meeting-- and then-- I left. I just left. I like going for walks. This neighborhood I work in is not conducive for walks-- for the most part-- but I've been exploring. There's a main street busy with cars that's very busy all the time-- and loud. Across the street-- I noticed an old "Ame-Zion" church-- established in 1833 that still has services (I think)-- There is a burial ground on the property-- with graves that are Native American and African American.

I walked through the graveyard-- and then I saw that the storm knocked over a tree-- which landed on the fence to the adjoining property-- which seemed vast, with paths. It turned out to be a country club (private). I walked around there yesterday-- in the misty day-- and saw no one, just one car. I got to a place where there was an entrance, and that's where it said it was private. I told a friend (who is a singer song writer) -- and she reminded me of the Woodie Guthrie song This Land is Your Land:

As I was walkin' *- *I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tress passin'
But on the other side *.... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!

On the way out--I found a hole in the fence... closer to where I work. *

Today I went through that fence again. At some point I came to a fake Shinto temple, with a pond, and foot bridge. *It reminded me of pictures I'd seen-- It was nice and peaceful. There were two beautiful ducks-- a male & *a female. Walking around there today was scarier, because it was a much nicer day-- and there were several workers around. I didn't want to get in trouble so I left. I kept walking and I found a park. It was woodsy-- but grungy woods. There was a pond there too-- really skuzzy. Like an undetoxed colon. Rank. It didn't smell-- it just looked like nature needed to take its course around there. There was a lot of litter. Then I came to a place where it opened up wider-- and I was surprised to see maybe 200-300 geese! There nestled in this neighborhood-- a hidden wetlands. I walked around some more in the woods. I was drinking it up-- imperfect though it was-- better than being inside where I am now. The sun was shining and the air felt good. Soon I will return to my work. It is cold here. I have a heater under my desk.

I see that most of whatever it is I go through is not physical-- it is psychological. *I eat as a way to numb my pain and fill the emptiness.

Because I've managed to find ways to compensate-- I didn't ever go too out of control. At one point I was over 200 pounds...Due to medical issues-- I decided to detox then-- and things improved. I lost a significant amount of weight. I got down to around 160, then even further down to like 140.

This spanned a bunch of years. Recently I put on 30 pounds very quickly. It partly happened because of knee surgery-- and partly because of heart ache. I wish I could say I'm determined to lose them-- but I don't always know if I will. So far I lost 10 pounds juice fasting-- and now more recently I lost almost another 10 on the cleanse. I have about 10 to go to be back where I started-- but I think I'd like to go below that. Ideally I think I'd like to go down to 120. But right now-- I just want to leave work again. I want to go home and go to sleep! I don't know what I should do.

I'm really lucky to have this job. I don't want to risk losing it. But somehow-- I feel like I'd like to be outside-- driving home in the sun instead of going home later in the day. I feel like crying again-- and I feel like staying home in bed. Maybe I'll take another "vacation day".

I went and told my boss and his secretary-- I'm going home!

:)

thanks for listening lemonheads. I think I have to cry again. i guess sometimes, there's no other way. you take away the food-- and the feelings come out.

i hope you don't mind my sharing this. love to all.

s

[sopheetsa]

Day 15
I was driving home-- and I SOOOOO wanted to quit the Cleanse. It isn't that i need to eat. it isn't anything i can put my finger on. i have been enormously grateful to have been a part of this. now the scariest part is all these feelings I'm having. I wish Res was here. I feel really alone. I can't stand that I'm so needy. Somebody called me up and was really needy the other day. I think she should go on the cleanse-- but then-- she'll come on this website and see what i wrote about her. anyway-- i think I can't stand it anymore. i'm home. i'm in my bed. i took the whole day off today-- the secretary, right in front of my boss was saying: but it's 3:30! surely you work late on other days! I do. but I told her I just don't want to feel bad about this. i want to go home- and see the sunshine.

then i came and posted on the board that I was leaving-- and it reminded me of when I said i was coming home from the hospital. that's when i had my eye surgery. i don't know which of the 3 times it was. *i remember wanting to go home!

this must be the most pathetic thing in the world-- a person crying-- but this is me. *now i'm crying full blast.

you'd think i'd be happy. today i wore the pants i used to wear before i had to get "fat pants". it isn't like i completely lost all the weight-- and i am happy about that-- but whatever this is-- it isn't rational.

my tongue isn't done by the way. it says i'm still detoxing. and i'm crying away here- i guess this is all part of it. i'm sick of lemonade right now. i don't know that i can drink anymore. i sort of have lost interest in food.

and while i'm being a complete baby: trafficcones my buddy is off the cleanse. i don't know what i want to do. *there are all these amazing people and they've gone past day 15-- and they don't seem to be complaining hardly at all. the line from Peter I keep hearing right now- is: "It's not about will power, it's about knowledge."

I'm a mess. I can't expect another eloquent post from Res. I feel badly to be so completely needy right now.

[rocky]

I just read your message and totally understand. The heartache, the weight gain, the hiding, the crying. The feeling that everything in your life is toxic and not knowing how to respond.

I can't tell you things will get better - because I am not there - I can't tell you I fully appreciate what you are feeling because I am not you - but I will tell you you are not alone I am taking things a second at a time, if I can get through one second without caving in on myself I take that as one more second of healing.

Hope this helps just a little.

[sopheetsa]

Dear rocky:

thanks for reading my message, for understanding and for writing back! I am afraid I may have to come to this place again-- I fear I need somewhere to "vent, whine--" & whatever-- just to get through- and I feel like it gets excessive. I like what you said: "if I can get through one second without caving in on myself I take that as one more second of healing" !

So-- tell me how it goes with you-- (if you ever come back to read this)...

What's happening right now? I'd love to hear! thanks,

soph

[rocky]

Hi Soph

I am using the philosophy that venting is a form of detoxing and if I am going to heal I need to detox physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually - So Vent Away. I will stop by again

[rocky]

Hi Soph

I started to reply and the replay disappeared from my screen. I am not sure if it was sent. So hear I go again

I look at venting as a form of detoxing, and if I am going to heal I need to detox physically, mentally, emotionally and spirtually. So Vent Away.
I will check in with you later - have to get back to work

Rocky

[sopheetsa]

hey Rocky:

nice to hear back from you! I TOTALLY AGREE! venting is a form of detox. I just don't want to put off too many people-- because I vent a fair amount :)

but i so desperately need(ed) to do so-- that i thought of coming over here to this "side post" --especially on my day 15-- which was the absolute WORST! how about you-- how has it been going?

[sopheetsa]

well-- I'm great as far as the cleanse goes- (except for my continued nagging mind which worries about lost nutrition & why did I seem to "GAIN" weight today etc...)

my biggest problems are emotional. i can't get over the heartbreak stuff. i spent the morning cleaning house-- feel too slow- but heck it is saturday. made my lemonade-- still to run & then swim-- run errands and will go visit my b.f.

my heart is breaking -- and I don't really have any place to go with it right now. sorry to be so raw, so blatant-- so honest-- and right now i'm crying. somebody liked that i was cheerful-- and i really don't want to spoil the upbeat mood for everyone-- so that's why i thought i'd carve this place out over here where I can just tell it like it feels. i don't know how i'm going to get past this-- but it is all part of the "Cleanse" for me. i'm trying hard to live with myself and deal with all aspects of who i am, including this. *i don't want to turn to other people who can't handle what i'm about-- but i can't do it alone either. just writing in a journal doesn't "cut" it for me-- and seeing a therapist-- isn't enough. *

it is a brilliant gorgeous day outside. i'm listening to music Rez-- it is beautiful. soon i will be out there surrounded by sunlight, trees & the breeze. it isn't that i don't try to do great things everyday. it isn't that my life isn't filled with wonder. but just like this Cleanse has the detox days-- my emotions-- seem to need to go through this-- no matter whether i want to or not--

there is somebody who means a lot to me-- and someday-- maybe i'll be able to figure this thing out-- but for now-- i the best i can do is to do this. *for the moment-- it is like food: off the table. but with food-- i'm not even thinkin about eating. i'm thinking about what might go wrong if i don't. now i feel like i've said too much.

there is no place private enough-- and yet no place i can go with this. don't get me wrong-- i have friends-- i have people to talk to. but i don't know how to work on this-- other than to try to do what i'm doing right now. strange-- this public medium, and that i'm resorting to it.

my ipod is playing music Res. "Raindrops on the windshield, there's a storm moving in... and the thunder rolls..."

---

PS: storm's over. cried & on to the next thing. thanks. if you read this-- not to worry-- i'm OK! hope you're ok too, & if not *& you want to share... this is a good place. :)


[Peter--not that you would want to anyway--but please don't publish stuff like this-- or anything--w/out permission! thanks! Sophie :)]

[Res]

Soph: I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't mean this next comment to sound hard hearted because it isn't. But you can't make somebody love you. You really don't want that kind of love anyway because it's fake. If it's meant to be it will be, if it's not you'll be so happy down the road that you didn't make a huge mistake and then end up having to live with it. Perhaps you just can't see it yet.

Keep doing "self-talk". Reason with yourself. It could take weeks, months but you'll get there.

Music teaches and heals me. It always has so that's where I go to cocoon. What do you have that you can cocoon with?

Concerned about you. *hug*

Love,
~Res

[sopheetsa]

Soph: *you can't make somebody love you. You really don't want that kind of love anyway because it's fake. *If it's meant to be it will be *

thanks for writing. i feel like even tho i KNOW this- i am a huge emotional baby. i will probably end up doing a lot of that "self talk" in this public place. it is embarrassing-- but like I keep saying-- somehow I can't do it alone. I can't just talk to myself- or write-- or "cocoon". even tho I do have all sorts of ways like that-- including the woods-- and the swim-- 2 things i love very much. but it may take me a very long time. it already has. please don't feel like you have to constantly support me-- but it means a tremendous amount that you have-- and all that you do here-- is phenomenal. i'm not sure i told you this-- i think i did-- i read what you wrote me in a previous post to my therapist-- in my last session with her. she also thinks you are amazing!

[sopheetsa]

i'm sorry-- i just have to come on here again because i don't want to fill the main board with more of my negative ****. right now i'm having a BAD headache and I just feel all out of sorts. my face looks weird. it looks old and bloated. i can't stand looking at it.

i've been watching movies-- and i see young movie star faces and then i see my face and i can't stand it. i'm about to go to the movies now with my b.f. and i have ot take a shower soon so i won't blab like this forever. my head really hurts. maybe it is time to call it quits for this Cleanse?

i don't know what to do. i've lost 20 pounds within a relatively short amount of time. i'm not sure exactly since when. i'd like to weigh even less, but now i'm freaked out about my face and about nutrition-- not having protein-- and whatever else the body needs. i'm afraid. and i hate having a headache.

and-- all this is so superficial. the other stuff i haven't been talking about - is -- it is too long a story to tell right now. i started all this research-- last year when i published a paper. i can't figure out how to pull it together right now-- mainly because of all my self esteem issue. i don't want to be so focussed on this cleanse and not work on that-- although everything ultimately hinges on my self esteem stuff. this is just so embarrassing.

i thought if i could strip myself down to a weight that i could feel good about myself everything would be better. right now-- i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing anymore-- and i don't know that i could do the right thing if I stopped (the Cleanse) either. i haven't figured out what to do about it-- because I keep wanting to go "all the way"-- but I'm also freaked out about going all the way-- (to say like 40+ days).

sorry to be such a bother. my head really hurts!

---

thanks -- feel better for having done that! now to do my abs, shower -- & movie- hope you're having fun.

[Res]

You're dealing with a lot. Maybe too much. Can you make a list of the top 10 most important things to you to work on, with #1 obviously being the most important etc? Then look at the top 3 and put your effort only into those 3. When those are done go down to 4, 5, & 6 which become the next 3 important things to work on. You're overwhelmed. It's OK, we all do that periodically but you have to do something to relieve the stress you're under.

The above is just an idea to minimize the stress you're going through and to adjust the focus to things you really can change as opposed to all the things you can't that you worry about.

The thing about the "young movie star faces " was interesting because I just had a talk with a male friend about how men see women's bodies and this is along the same lines. I was completely floored when he said "men want curves and something to hold on to, not the super model body". WHAT?? ?? ?? That was news to me. It was quite interesting though. Still not sure that I agree based on what I've heard, but if I wasn't sitting down when he told me that I would have. :) So forget the faces on the Big Screen and enjoy being you, a *Unique Snowflake*. :)

About your body, face etc; change what you can if that's what you really want but be realistic with yourself. I'll never look like Jessica Simpson, never - gonna - happen. I'll never be taller than 5'5" (unless I put on my stiletto heels lol ;)). So do what you can and do it for yourself not anyone else because it will mean more to you than them. You can jump through hoops to make someone else happy and it can fall flat. Look forward, not behind. The bad things\memories in the past are like butt-pee. Flush em. ;) http://www.kurts-smilies.de/toilet_claw.gif

Have your boyfriend give you an upper body massage, temples, neck, shoulders (oooh ahhh :)). That should help the headache. Some of us would have to pay someone for that. lol :) Enjoy the movie. I hope it's a comedy! ;D

Love you,
~Res

[sopheetsa]

dear Res:
thank you sooo much for writing. I wasn't going to hope for it-- but I was going to write you no matter what tonight-- anyway-- because I am hitting the skids on the cleanse.

btw-- I am now in much better shape than I've been vis a vis stress etc--- that is- this last 2 years have been a douzy. i was taking care of med probs w folks in my fam, my dad for a year, literally in the hospital *for over 6 months-- he survived-- it was a miracle-- my bro, mom & i were there with him 24-7 when we realize how many things can f--k up in a hospital. my bro is a very high powered biologist-- he runs a research biotech company...and it was amazing to do this with my fam. my dad survived stroke, his heart stopping for over 45 min...(if I wasn't there at that time-- chances were good it would have been over... because they just left him in a corridor...) quadruple bypass surgery-- and then-- being in a coma for months. they had him for dead-- but -- we were really lucky-- in many ways... part of what made it super hard for me-- was my early hospital trauma-- i was stunned at one point when my mom acknowledged it saying-- "my daughter has a hospital phobia, but she's going to get over it to be with her dad"--we were really fortunate to be able to do what we did-- subsequent to that my sister in-law broke BOTH her legs *in a climbing accident & had over 12 surgeries-- and may have to contemplate something very severe... my mom had foot surgery-- and I had knee surgery. and my uncle had a life threatening situation with leukemia (which turned out ok bec it was coincidentally the same disease my boss specializes in...) his wife--had severe probs w diabetes...all of which took tremendous toll on my family-- but which we did amazingly well working together on. *it was during this time -- that -- well-- I started to rely on someone-- who --- well--- that's the story i won't tell. part of it was that-- i can almost not believe what ended up happening, which is that i wrote this paper of my dreams-- and set a whole bunch of wheels in motion-- and now-- i'm suddenly doing this cleanse-- because i also gained 30 lbs, of which I've now lost 20.

sorry that was too long a schpiel. anyway-- i would like to erase another 30 lbs. i wish i could just stay on the cleanse long enough to do it-- but I just don't want to. i am tired-- i'm no longer energized. i am embarrassed to be sucking on your energy-- and that's part of why i'm trying NOT to contact said unmentioned person. part of what that person means to me-- is something to do with all my dreams and ambitions. i feel really nauseous now.

anyway-- i looked better after my shower-- and dressing up for the movies. i was really glad i didn't have to break for the bathroom during it. my boyfriend took pics of me in this new coat i bought -- which i still don't know if i want to keep. it is faux suede and faux fur and it is SOOO soft-- and i know i'm babbling.

i think i want to return to food-- but i don't have a good enough plan. i had read all your posts a while ago-- and because of things you said i wanted to keep going and not stop sooner than i was done. but i'm SO FED UP. i think it may be part of a detox thing. my tongue is finally looking less messed up-- *ie it was yellow down the middle-- now it is mildly white. the best part-- is the eliminations- i'm convinced i'm getting rid of old stuff-- which is a powerful reason to continue-- but i SO want to QUIT!

i can see what happens tomorrow...and just take it a day at a time. i'm blown away by all these people who've gone passed the 20 days.

-----

i'm really tired-- and i've gone around in circles. going back to what you told me to do-- the priorities thing-- i guess that's part of why i made the Cleanse my priority: i thought it would fix a lot of things-- but right now-- i just feel messed up.

i feel like i could go on and on like this-- being a drain-- so instead I will tell you-- it has been an amazing experience. it was profound. i wrote about how this bulletin board has affected me-- right down into my dreams. i don't know quite how to manage this next stretch--

i appreciate how much you share of yourself-- and the enormous amount of energy you put into all of us. like Bob (i think said) you are an angel Res! :)

anyway. i'm going to take my tired (still hurting) head to bed.

[SIGURDSSON]

I haven't been following your posts, but I love what you just shared! I can really relate(different actuall experiences of course, but there's a lot going on emotionally) and this fast brought that up for me too.
don't feel like a drain. everyone needs to understand they're not alone and when you share, they know they aren't.

[SIGURDSSON]

oh, wow, I just scrolled up and read some of the previous posts.
I completely understand.
I'm still fairly young, 33....yikes. I feel like I'm getting old. But I do realize that it's not THAT old. and my body has changed. I have a 4 year-old amazing little one, whom I adore. I'm a single mother. yup. very hard. I'm like a house-wife without a husband. since my son's birth, I've held on to this weight. I've been exhausted b/c I do everything, and I see my skin sagging. and I've had those moments of looking at myself in the mirror and feeling like I just couldn't stand it. There were even periods that I would barely go anywhere b/c I didn't want anyone to see my like that.
I read the post regarding the "guys likeing curves" and all, but I'm telling you, I had never been so invisible as I was in the last few years. Now maybe that's b/c I was walking around with a baby and men either assume you're unavailable or they just don't want to get involved with a woman who has a child. either way, it did a number on my esteem.
I'm happy to say, I've been recovering from that.
I ran into some people rescently who kept complimenting me on how great I looked. I don't mean this as a Pro MC pitch, but I had just finished my second 5 day MC and I did look better. Not only that but I felt good. I felt confident. I'm starting to see that it's THAT that makes a difference, the confidence. (the other stuff helps too)
trust me, you don't want to be those movie star faces. there's lighting, makeup, and a bunch of other things that go into that illussion. and when those cute little movie star faces start the natural aging process, most of them will be trashed. not the most humane industry.

[sopheetsa]

Dear Sig:

I was going to come on here and erase some of what I wrote previously.... but was wonderfully suprised to hear from you! *

I think that what I was going through about my face yesterday was "distress". That is-- it is sometimes very hard to see yourself and who you really are, through all the feelings. I've also had that feeling of "invisibility"... And hurray! for you-- that the MC is bringing back your sense of confidence-- and compliments on how you look!

The reason I started posting on this side post-- is that-- like it or not, I KNEW I was going to be flooded with feelings-- and these are part of the process-- but very difficult. Last night I felt so fed up I REALLY wanted to quit. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do-- but I don't feel like that this morning-- go figure! My tongue is getting "pinker" and I'm thinking I'll keep going to see if it clears. In the meantime, I drank my SWF again today-- and I am not horrified about continuing the MC, at least another day.

I just want you to know that I think having had a "little one" is one of the most precious things to have done in the whole world. It is unfortunate that so much of the time parents, and mothers in particular, get so little support. I hope that this MC can give you more of yourself back-- so that you can feel your strengths and your confidence! And whenever you need to share what's going on that's tough-- I hope you can feel free to tell us-- because as you know-- this bb is an amazing resource!

Thanks very much for writing-- for sharing about yourself-- and for saying what you said about those "movie star faces!" :) By the way-- I don't wear any makeup at all-- and much of the time-- I feel pretty good about it. My face is not that bad looking... But those moments when I feel like I felt yesterday-- I get filled with all my discouragement.

I think it might get harder before it gets easier. Like right now-- I'm actually at a weight which is kind of "pivotal". I am 5'6", and I weigh 150 lbs. I don't really look "fat"-- but if I lose some more weight-- I could look pretty good! I think what's happening is I'm actually afraid-- or SOMETHING like that. I also have told some of the people at work... I am 48 years old, and one of the people who I told is not even 25 years old. She's from Greece (where my parents are from) and last summer I visited her and her family in Greece. They have an amazing lifestyle over there, they grow their own (organic) vegetables...have fresh caught fish...eat and live in a very healthy way. She's put on a lot of weight this last year-- since coming to America (which says alot about this country). She's trying to take it off herself-- in a "moderate" way, ie diet & exercise. She was stunned to see me lose more weight in a short amount of time, especially when she realized I now weigh less than she does.

Believe it or not-- all this isn't exactly easy. One of her co-workers--and lab partners-- is from Italy. She weights 130 lbs and is 30 years old. She has been telling me that I have to EAT! All this is sort of funny... but it is all part of something.... This weekend-- when I was at my b.f.'s I was scared to tell him (at first) the "full extent of it". But it turned out that he approved of "the new me"-- and didn't give me a hard time at all-- ie he didn't try to force me to eat or anything-- in fact he had a sense of humor about it. I even told him how I thought the "cleanse" was like "Draino" and it was clearing out the pipes... Despite the fact that that was a bit graphic, and he winced when I got explicit-- he really got it-- and although he expressed concern-- he was on my side.

THAT'S when I got to feel my own fears, and somewhere in there is when I wrote the first of those posts. I think the next stretch may be a little difficult as I struggle with myself about continuing or not. Whenever I choose to go off the cleanse, I will still have to face the larger issue(s) of what to do from here. I think right now I can say I hope to really adopt a healthier lifestyle-- but yesterday, in my discouragement I couldn't see my way clear to that at all!

I wish you the best--and hope you keep sharing with me and with the rest of us on the bb!

Sophie

[Guest]

Hello, Sophie.
I just read through all the posts on this thread and would like to commend you on speaking out despite your feeling that you might make yourself a "burden."
It has been wonderful to read how other members have supported you and encouraged you.
I was very happy to read your last post in which you feel better about continuing the MC. I think you did very well indeed to get yourself through whatever it was that came up for you that wanted you to quit at its behest.
My opinion (and it's just that, an opinion), is that one should work through these things as much as one possibly can, but there are times when it's all right to take one step back in order to then take two steps forward. And, again just opinion, one can sometimes do only so much of a particular process before needing a break--to take that one step back in order to get back to the process a little later in order to take two good steps forward.
It sounds to me that you (like me, and plenty of others) tend to beat up on yourself a lot. That's something we all need to cleanse out of ourselves! I'd say that you have been venting your 'beating up on yourself' as a way of cleansing it, and if that's so, more power to you! Do it some more if you need to! Let it all hang out to dry and blow away in the wind!
All the best,
Ken

[sopheetsa]

Hey Ken:

Nice to hear from you! I TOTALLY agree with you that there are many times when it is important to take a time out or a "step back"! In fact I do that all the time, and that's partly what I've been doing about the "research" stuff-- I was wailing about-- in one of those posts. There's a whole bunch of books about the creative process--- one in particular by Poincare, which sort of says that the subconscious needs to take a vacation-- especially after working hard-- and does some of its best work then! Yea, I do beat up on myself-- sorry if you do too- There is something very special that can happen-- if we have the good fortune to tell other people (who are caring when they listen-- like you and others have been here)-- and I think that is part of the magic of healing. I've been very fortunate to get great support here, like you say. I also hope that I don't overburden folks-- because at times-- what I go through is pretty heavy and it doesn't look pretty! But it is sort of like that warning that one of the characters gives before they perform a play (within the play) in Midsummer Night's Dream (???) where they tell the ladies--this isn't REALLY a lion -- don't be afraid! It looks worse than it is-- and it is only my distress...

Anyway-- what's going on with you? Haven't seen you posting here-- other than now-- and it says you're guest! Are you doing the MC or thinking about it?

How 'bout giving us all a chance to get to know you! Take care, and would love to hear more about your story! :)

soph

[sopheetsa]

still having an "internal debate" on all aspects of the Cleanse, here's something interesting that I think explains part of why it works:

Radical Change

Paradoxically, Dean Ornish, who created a diet that helps potential heart attack sufferers reclaim their health found that radical, sweeping, comprehensive changes are often easier for people than small, incremental ones. For example, he says that people who make moderate changes in their diets get the worst of both worlds: They feel deprived and hungry because they aren't eating everything they want, but they aren't making big enough changes to quickly see an improvement in how they feel, or in measurements such as weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol. But the heart patients who went on Ornish's tough, radical program saw quick, dramatic results, reporting a 91% decrease in frequency of chest pain in the first month. "These rapid improvements are a powerful motivator," he says. "When people who have had so much chest pain that they can't work, or make love, or even walk across the street without intense suffering find that they are able to do all of those things without pain in only a few weeks, then they often say, 'These are choices worth making.' "

Also, it's always important to identify, achieve, and celebrate some quick, positive results for the vital emotional lifts that they provide. Harvard's Kotter believes in the importance of "short-term wins," meaning "victories that nourish faith in the change effort, emotionally reward the hard work, keep the critics at bay, and build momentum. Without sufficient wins that are visible, timely, unambiguous, and meaningful, change efforts invariably run into serious problems."

Edited; Original by Alan Deutschman, a Fast Company writer in San Francisco.

[sopheetsa]

sorry to come here yet again--

I seem to need a place to sort out my feelings. part of what is scaring me now is that not having protein so long will be bad for my heart. it has been feeling strange-- and "gassy".

I am going through a daily struggle about whether or not to continue the cleanse, when to quit. This morning's BMs convinced me it was important to continue-- stuff is definitely coming out that is OLD GUNK! *Also, tongue is NOT PINK yet-- altho at times it threatens to be.

I just realized I'm NOT meeting with my boss tomorrow, which I'm relieved about-- yeay! phew!

There have been people on these posts who have expressed concern about being in school while on the Cleanse. I haven't jumped in to answer those-- even though I seem to throw in my 2 cents a lot. But being "up to snuff" is important to me-- and my job is challenging. *So I worry about my alertness and my ability to work while on this cleanse.

I also have research projects which I work on after hours-- and I'm trying to pull myself together to get back to them.

Right now I'm tired-- so I guess I'll sleep. Life is such a juggle! I feel like I'm always trying to catch up.

[reenieboo]

Hi Soph,

Just read through your emails and must say 'thank you' for your willingness to share so much of yourself with all of us. You are a very courageous person. Despite your inner conflicts you continue to allow the detox process to help 'flush' some of those conflicts. When we do a literal SWF in the morning what we see in the toilet is NOT PRETTY and sometimes the process of elimination is painful but we feel so much better that it is no longer in us! The same is so true of emotional 'flushing.' It can be painful and not so pretty but we feel so much better when we get RID of it. Whatever part we can get rid of. Try to be kind to yourself during the process.

Res is so right! You can't make someone love you no matter how much you may want it. My wise mother says "you can twist yourself all up into a pretzel for someone and then they may decide they don't like pretzels." Being yourself is enough - people do and will appreciate you for who you are!

I hope you found some encouragement in my words.

Reenieboo


"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

[sopheetsa]

hi Reenieboo:

Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts! BTW, I'm not exactly courageous-- doing this whole thing is really scary! But you are right, I am trying to "flush" the emotional stuff as well as the physical stuff-- down to where it belongs! trafficcones and others have been saying how the MC brings back old injuries-- and as I try to work my way down to "pre-heart-break" weight- I am *experiencing emotional things...and they're NOT PRETTY! :(

Your mom does sound wise-- and I guess it isn't a good idea to get all twisted :) for another person. But part of what has happened to me-- is that I've found I've CHANGED because of another person-- and not necessarily for the worse. In fact, many of the changes have been for the better, because some of them came about because of being inspired. The hard part is the emotional dependancy-- and that-- I am dealing with here-- with your help!

Thanks for being there-- and feel free to share what's going on for you if you need to!

Soph

[Res]

Soph: I'm going to PM you.

Love you,
~Res

[sopheetsa]

Day 23


please consider this a "session" and if anyone else needs to do this-- PLEASE GO FOR IT!

Dear everyone:

I'm doing very well vis a vis the Cleanse. You'd think there'd be no reason to come here-- my little nook in the bb woods. It is Day 23, my brain is clear, I'm looking good-- *people are noticing & saying so. I'm sleeping through the night, completely OFF antihistamines, my tongue is getting pinker-- I continue to eliminate stuff-- from down nether... which is good! I ran, I swam, I am even competing w other folks-- some of them-- fairly competitive guys who are swimming! People I don't even know are remarking on the big smile on my face. I told them at the gym that their digital scale does not seem to match up with the other one I was officially weighed at-- I WEIGH 155 on the digital & I think it actually is right-- because I tested it with a ten pound weight-- OH WELL-- this means I weigh 5 pounds more-- AND they gave it to me (ie recorded this as my weight on the digital scale, and so I will be re-weighed on that one) even though the initial "weigh in" for the weight loss contest is now OVER!

so WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? why do i have to come here? i even met with my boss-- and I handled the part where he said (he is unbelievably gracious) something to the effect of if that's all you're doing we're not sufficiently using your talent! OK-- so that had repercussions on me-- He also said something like he didn't feel like I was being "urgent" about this- and I managed to calmly tell him not to confuse my not being "urgent" with not taking it seriously. I will say that after that we focussed on what I had done-- and he didn't say anything else like that again.

the bottom line is that my food problems stem from issues that had to do with mom. early stuff. and the underlying core of it all is emotional. I also told him I was trying to work on programming-- for my stuff. my research. for which i made an appointment with a collaborator for later today. but i'm not going folks. *why? well because i feel depressed.

there is no reason for me to feel depressed-- and it isn't a DETOX symptom! I'm really doing well today. it comes down to my "issues". the reason i'm here in the first place. the reason i used to turn to food. somehow-- all this self esteem stuff is the stuff that gets me-- to the core! *i did call my collaborator. i had worked REALLY hard with him this summer-- up till when I went to Europe to give a talk-- and then came back -- and got sick-- for a long time-- having to do with the whole boiler back-up business.

i WILL get over this. but anyway- he seems to be doing well. he learned alot from our experience of working together. he's been writing the next part of the program and he's been testing it. that's the part i really helped with earlier-- and I know I made a big difference. I told him I couldn't meet with him today or tomorrow-- but that I would shoot for Fri. Fri I also have to go with my mom to her doctor-- because she will be having surgery.

i think my biggest issues are emotional. life takes a huge emotional toil on me-- and sometimes I don't rise up to it-- even though I really HAVE-- many times. like for more than I year-- I was there day in day out-- for my family-- for medical issues. *and the boiler backup-- incident-- probably my being there saved lives-- including my own.

anyway-- sorry if i'm saying all this. i'm sure you all have a story to tell. i know i should just put this into a journal or something. but somehow-- this is the moment in my day-- where my heart is breaking and when i miss a certain someone-- who used to make everything OK for me. not that it really did so-- but somehow it did for me. so now i turn to you instead-- and NOT TO FOOD.

thanks a lot for listening. i'm crying.

soph

PS: just got an email from my collaborator w his latest successes. I managed to support him well even though my heart is crumbling.

I'm OK btw, I just need to do this- I hope nobody get's confused. i'm gonna go home & CHILL! take care everybody, and a big thanks to everyone who's read this! i really do hope if you have issues of your own you need to work on, you feel free to join me.

[sopheetsa]

day 24-- sorry still needing to do this:

folks I'm a mess over the thought that i have a yeast infection. i don't know what's going on. right side my lymph node in the groin is all out of control. peeing is "slow going"-- and i feel itchy!

i hate the thought that i have a yeast infection! it feels so out of control! i also don't want to have to do anything "medical" or non-alternative to heal it. what do I do?

I could try & see a doctor tomorrow. turns out i have to take my mom in-- because she is going to have to have surgery for an enlarged cyst in her ovary.


also-- i'm blowing off my collaborator again tomorrow. i can't stand that i don't seem to have the mental wherewithal to do things while on this cleanse-- other than to be on the cleanse!

i'm sorry i'm so irritated-- ah yes a sign of detox! also i'm HUNGRY! haven't eaten enough--err had enough lemonade. i'm sick of lemonade! how's that for a steady stream of complaints?

plus-- gotto drink that tea-- which i like, but i feel like i have to pee-- and I'm TIRED! need to sleep!

thanks for listening (to) me kvetch.

hope i'll be better tomorrow. i have supplies to last me 40 days-- or can easily obtain them- and -- I could stand to lose the weight. but the "will" is not there. not even that i want to eat. GO FIGURE! YUCK!

[Res]

Soph: You're such a sweetie. :) You're able to say things perhaps other people feel but aren't able to say for one reason or another. Or maybe they haven't identified their Emotional Issues yet. *hug*

Many of us know exactly what you're talking about. Life isn't easy. Sometimes when you think you have your stuff together something comes along and pulls one little string that unravels the heck out of your neat little ball. Then what? It would have been dandy if we'd all been born with an Owners Manual. Then you could turn to page 56 and know what to do. :) Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Sometimes you can share with a friend who you are certain you can trust, or you "cocoon" and work it out yourself - if you can. Sometimes cocooing is just that. You can't DO anything....just wait it out.

*Remember in email? Find your "thing". Embrace it. Even if it doesn't help you now, it will keep you company as you mourn.

Love you,
~Res

[Res]

Soph Gag down that lemonade or go for limes. :) Definitely drink a lot of water right now. You might want to take a nice hot bath with baking soda in the water.

You are doing an amazing job of sticking with it! I only had a 10 day emotional roller coaster and I thought that was hell-ish! You're doing GREAT! ;D

If you go to the Dr let me know what he\she is recommending. It will be interesting if this all goes away by tomorrow morning. Still, the bath could be helpful.

I hope all goes well with your Mom. Try not to worry too much... (yeah, right). You're in my thoughts.

*Hug,
~Res

[leggy]

Hi Soph, Have read your board... wow! I relate to a lot of it.

I am 48 as well! Yeah, emotional eating. I have been so up and down with it. I dont know what it is about. Boredom, hiding, fear of success, needing an excuse (hiding), comfort, self-hate, low self esteem... gluttony? I don't know. If you know you are lucky.

I feel a need to lose weight and get my eating under control before I can 'get on' with life. When I said I only need to lose 10 pounds that was me being realistic about my age. At 20 I could look great 15 pounds less than I could stand now. I'd need to lose about 20 pounds to get rid of my flubby thighs but I would look a ragged old hag as well so I settle for being 'voluptuous' although slim is more comfortable and my natural shape.

But even though I may not be technically overweight, I feel like **** from what I eat. I just dont know why I do it. I go through bouts of binging and being more sensible and that keeps me in a 5-ish pound cycle that even at the bottom of, when I feel good and look fine (am only 5'4") I am still 5 pounds more than I want.

Really it should be so easy to drop that 5 but I have been this weight, more or less, since my 20's. And in those days I would have looked great 20 pounds less than I was. So I have wasted a lot of my life eating to just feel wretched about it. And god only knows why.

I should be embarrassed to say it but I feel like I missed the boat sort of. I could have looked so good my 20's but I felt gross and now I have lost the youth and have years of abuse to pay for. I am actually over it, mostly, sort of a breif regret and a determination that my kids won't got there. I live vicarioulsy throught them a bit.

About 6 years ago I lost it and it was SO exciting. I think I probably was a bit heavier at ther start, some post baby weight still there. Anyway that's how I know I couldnt really go thhinner than that as my face, well, lost a bit as well and is probably the only place that didnt need to! Always the way, Huh?

Anyway I had been diovorced for some years and SO depressed about being stuck here (London) and away from all my history etc and when I lost it I was SO happy. I gained it back slowly, but I did. But when I was still feeling good I met my husband and he still loves me when I feel bad. So I should be happy.

So Sigurdsson, don't despair. My fantasy was always to meet a man who had always want kids but was sterile, and would love and adore mine like his own. Then ex-neighbour (we divorced about the same time and had kids similar ages) placed (or called) a lonely hearts ad and met MY MAN!! Had his balls crushed in a sporting incident. They are now happily married and he works from home and looks after the kids, does the school runs, etc, and she goes out to work. My man ( I met YEARS later) had children that he is very close to. They are older, 26 and 21, but lived with us, one moved out 8 months ago and the other is away at University, finiishing this year.

One of the things he always says he loves about me is what a good mother I am. So the right sort of man is there somewhere, although you may have to look a bit. We met on match.com. It was really fun to e and get to know eachother and he was very honest and open, but impatient to meet and once we did he came at me like a tital wave and swept me off my feet, which is what I really wanted, so dont despair! My stepmom used to say to me, when I was really low, 'you never know what is around the corner'. And I sued to think 'who the hell cares?'.

But she was right and it all turned around and now maybe I am on the verge of sorting my life, 48 but better late than never, hey?

Well I am off to buy a lottery ticket. The Euromillions jackpot is like £128,000,000, which is like $200,000,000, so what the hell. Wish me luck!!

Leggy

[sopheetsa]

Dear Leggy:

Cool-- we're the same age! Goes to show you- I had you down for YOUNGER THAN ME!!!!!!!! *

I think it is really important to examine the causes of "emotional eating"-- I liked your list-- it seems like "ALL OF THE ABOVE" work for me-- and I'm sure there's more too! And I know we both know-- none of those things rEALLy work... like "comfort" -- isn't that a laugh? Never felt comfortable being fat-- how about you? :)

You're lucky you're not THAT overweight Leggy-- and it probably isn't just luck-- it means you've been doing right by yourself, in great measure. *I mean,I appreciate what you're saying about feeling like "SHIT" from what you eat-- yup :) but-- I think you may as well count your blessings-- THERE'S A MUCH LONGER ROW THAT SOME OF US HAVE TO HOE-- *!!! and -- as I begin to climb out of that overweight nightmare (down 22 still another 30 to go...) it really feels GREAT for all my complaining.

I KNOW you have the power, the intelligence and the motivation to make the kind of changes in your life that will be lasting-- and after which you will no longer feel the same way! Many of us have wasted a lot of our lives eating to just feel wretched about it. And I think you've really hit upon a place and space to do something about it. This is an incredible vehicle for CHANGE in your life.

Even though you feel like you "missed the boat sort of"-- you really haven't--THE BOAT IS STILL THERE WAITING FOR YOU! You have a rich full life ahead of you- and you've already done so much that is important! I can tell you as someone who doesn't have teenagers-- (who is your age) that you HAVEN'T missed the boat! You've done some of the most important things in life! And it also sounds like you have much more than that.

I guess the one thing I would say to you (which I try to tell myself-- but it doesn't work as well :) ) is DON'T GIVE UP on your dreams, don't give up on yourself, don't give up on your BEST SELF!

That includes EVERYTHING-- including your looks. Like you say: "I am on the verge of sorting my life, 48 but better late than never, hey?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

Hope you win the Euromillions jackpot-- but even if you don't -- remember you have somethings that are ever so much more precious than anything money can buy!

I wish you the best luck to be able to keep making your dreams come true.

love,

soph

[sopheetsa]

Dear Res:

I haven't exactly written back to you-- even though I've already written alot. I'm not even sure what it is I want to say. (I know I keep saying that.) Some of it is just the same things I've said already-- but I have to say it:

you are a superpower presence for us all-- and I really appreciate what you've said to me in particular. like the stuff about us being together on this wobbly planet (and how we all matter to each other). i don't remember exactly what it was, but it was GREAT.

on the drive in today-- i was listening to the radio-- and briefly-- on a show, they talked about the "healing power of crying"-- and-- I wished I could share that with you. I also just caught glimpse of one of your posts to me-- yea-- I just went to look at it now: "Find your "thing". *Embrace it. *Even if it doesn't help you now, it will keep you company as you mourn." Thanks!

I guess I can't say anything that makes sense right this minute-- because I am going to take a minute now-- and cry-- I think. I did take mom to the doc-- (and I even asked about myself-- but I decided I don't have a yeast infection-- so even though I could have checked it out--I decided not to because--I think I'm ok that way...altho the doc said I can come in whenever necessary...)

Mom has to have an ovary taken out. We both really like this doctor-- but she wasn't clear at first. She said the cyst had to be removed (it is an exceedingly large ovarian cyst) but then she kinda slipped in that it meant-- her ovary-- and the next thing you know, it was like she was talking about -- taking EVERYTHING OUT-- like the OTHER OVARY, the uterus...

And I was like-- "woa there... I mean-- why take out her other ovary?" at which point-- this wonderful, *young, half Persian, half Chilean (pregnant) beauty-- said: "what does she need it for-- testosterone for her libido?" *I could tell my mom was kind of seizing-- and I said, "well, I'm not a doctor, but, I'm basically of the opinion that if there's nothing wrong with it-- don't take it out!"

From there on in-- the doc was singing a DIFFERENT tune-- and I think things went-- overall well.

Thanks for wishing us the best!

By the way-- I took the time this morning to expel a hell of a lot of stuff- during my SWF, and post-SWF chaser. I then ran, swam, *hot tubbed, and sauna'd- telling *them I'd be in late today.

I'm wearing my next level down skinnier pants-- hip hugging. One of our beautiful secretary-administrators (who is also pregnant-- said-- "look at you looking skinnier than me!" *Today I wore a BELT (a first)-- and-- I didn't wear something to cover up my tummy bulge-- because guess what? I DON'T HAVE A TUMMY BULGE! :)

Thanks for being my inspiration!

love,

soph

[sopheetsa]

Hello Lemonaders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, sometimes it's not easy:

*http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/common001.gif


& I'm still havin my rough time of it. *http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/dazed028.gif

Like Res says:

This cleanse is not for wimps!


and it isn't I'm a wimp-- it's just I keep needing all your help!

yikerooney. today only hit me on the way home. after I was tellin my "raw" friend how the gynEcologist was ready to take out my mom's ovaries & uterus -- just like THAT! I can't get into it now folks. she read to me from "Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom", a book I used to own that was stolen from the trunk of my car when I worked at Mt. Sinai....

anyway. i think I'm gonna have to call up some powerful people to deal with this-- including Tori Hudson, naturopath extraordinare, & maybe Northrup herself-- if I can.

Now I'm tired & defeated & still havin my own genito-urinary probs. wonder if this is partly happening for a reason, & if it is part of my detox. makes me seriously want to cry! if i had the time and energy-- I'd find a funny smiley-- but I don't. OH WELL. :(

LOVE & GOODNIGHT ALL.

[Res]

Soph: Sometimes life sucks....when it does it's simply a season (of your life) and thankfully season's change.

I'm sorry about your Mom. Hopefully right decisions will be made concerning her. I understand more than you know. More in private tomorrow.

Now about you: You're worth more than you allow yourself to believe. It's based on early life cirumstances and treatment. Some of us battle with this as well, but I'm going to steal a few lines from a song:

"I hold you in my hands
A little animal
And only some dumb idiot
Would let you go

I hold you in cupped hands
And shield you from a storm
Where only some dumb idiot
Would let you go"

Don't settle. Stay strong and do what's right for you. I probably should refrain from posting right now. I've been "out" with family and friends and we had a fantastic time. Lots of music and we got to sing a lot and just cast away the cares of life. Came home and danced away the night. I'm a bit, um, er, yeah, well I'm going to go now cause it's just the right thing to do. I'll come back tomorrow and delete this post. But right now my heart is happy and content. :)

I'm so proud of all you've accomplished. You're doing better than you know.

*Music lives and loves*

~Res

[sopheetsa]

Hey Res shining star! * http://www.starlight-washington.org/IMG/shining_star.jpg hope you know how wonderful you are!

Soph: I'm sorry about your Mom. Hopefully right decisions will be made concerning her.


:) *I'm gonna spend some time on this- thinking about the right thing to do...

glad you had a fantastic time-- and got to sing & dance with fam & friends!

thanks for the song-- and I quite agree:


"...only some dumb idiot
Would let you go"

[sopheetsa]

i'm drinking my SWF slowly & reading your posts-- but spent some time reading about fasting in traditional cultures- including my own:
---
Fasting is a natural way to eliminate toxins from your body and is mankind's most ancient self-healing practice and strategy. Traditional cultures, including the Orient, East Indian, and Native American, have long regarded it as a dependable curative and revitalizing personal health measure. *
---
Benjamin Franklin - "The best of all medicines are rest and fasting"
---
In the crisper of my fridge, I have a large pomegranate awaiting me, for when I break the cleanse:
---
When Persephone is carried off into the underworld by its god Hades, her mother Demeter (which means "barley mother") searches for her while fasting, causing a famine on the earth. At Eleusis she takes a job as a nurse to a child she nearly makes immortal by putting him in the fire each night until his mother stops her. Then the Eleusinians build a temple to Demeter and pray that she end the famine. Finally Zeus sends for her, and Demeter insists that her daughter be released. Persephone is filled with joy; but before she leaves Hades, she eats some pomegranate seeds; thus she has to return there a third part of every year just as seeds are buried but return to life. The land becomes fertile and wealthy once more. For centuries people came from all over Greece to fast and be initiated at Eleusis into the mother-daughter mysteries that explained to them the secrets of agriculture and spiritual rebirth.
----
http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/3/16
*.
Effects of Greek orthodox christian church fasting on serum lipids and obesity

Background

Fasting, the voluntary abstention from all restricted foods, is a feature of many religions, and the putative health benefits have attracted both scientific and popular interest. Commonly, religious doctrines proscribe foods from animal sources permanently or for particular periods.

There are several religions, such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Seventh-Day-Adventism that have often been studied regarding their relation to health.

Orthodox Christian holy books recommend a total of 180–200 days of fasting per year. The faithful are advised to avoid olive oil, meat, fish, milk and dairy products every Wednesday and Friday throughout the year. Additionally, there are three principal fasting periods per year: i) a total of 40 days preceding Christmas (meat, dairy products and eggs are not allowed, while fish and olive oil are allowed except on Wednesdays and Fridays), ii) a period of 48 days preceding Easter (Lent). During Lent fish is allowed only two days whereas meat, dairy products and eggs are not allowed. Olive oil consumption is allowed only at weekends, iii) a total of 15 days in August (the Assumption) when the same dietary rules apply as for Lent with the exception of fish consumption which is allowed only on August 6th. Seafood such as shrimps, squid, cuttlefish, octopus, lobsters, crabs as well as snails are allowed on all fasting days throughout the year. The Greek Orthodox fasting practices can therefore be characterized as requiring a periodic vegetarian diet including fish and seafood.

The variant of vegetarianism followed during fasting periods by Orthodox Christians, with a diet of vegetables, legumes, nuts, fruits, olives, bread, snails and seafood, is a type of the so-called Mediterranean diet

Methods

120 Greek adults were followed longitudinally for one year. Sixty fasted regularly in all fasting periods (fasters) and 60 did not fast at all (controls). The three major fasting periods under study were: Christmas (40 days), Lent (48 days) and Assumption (August, 15 days). A total of 6 measurements were made during one year including pre- and end-fasting blood collection, serum lipoprotein analyses and anthropometric measurements.

Results

Statistically significant end-fasting total and LDL cholesterol differences were found in fasters. Fasters compared to controls presented 12.5% lower end-total cholesterol (p < 0.001), 15.9% lower end-LDL cholesterol (p < 0.001) and 1.5% lower end-BMI (p < 0.001). The end- LDL/HDL ratio was lower in fasters (6.5%, p < 0.05) while the change in end- HDL cholesterol in fasters (4.6% decline) was not significant. Similar results were found when the pre- and end-fasting values of fasters were compared. No change was found in control subjects.

Conclusions

Adherence to Greek Orthodox fasting periods contributes to a reduction in the blood lipid profile including a non-significant reduction in HDL cholesterol and possible impact on obesity.

[Res]

I can just imagine you there sipping your swf. :) Thinking about you ya know. Pulling for you as well.

Life is difficult - for most people. Some have no clue. I think I prefer being on the "difficult" end. There are more of us. ;) Whoa....started to launch and then realized we're not in email. That would have been :o lol

We're supposed to be in the beginnings of winter here in Southern California. But, it's spring-like. I need this so no complaints here. Spring is my season. I love the light and long days. Spring not only brings new life and flowers but concerts! ;) Yay!

Thoughts are scattered so I'm going to put my mind to bed. :) Talk to you tomorrow. You're doing great by the way.

Love,
~Res

[sopheetsa]

dear Res :

i THOUGHT u might *live in California! :) *used to go to S. California (often) to visit a certain friend.... :)

woke up INTENSELY sad today. and Peter says Lose Weight, Have More Energy & Be Happier in 10 Days! ha ha ha.

can one detox sadness? it feels like a tightness around my heart. (it could also *be gas-- I'm having gas :) )

lol. hope you're having sweet dreams.

http://www.schools.pinellas.k12.fl.us/gallery/variety/Heart.gif

[Sammi]

I took some time and read through the posts on this topic, so real to me. I've struggled with self esteem and needing more validation for a long time now. My boyfriend is wonderful, but has his own "committment" problems. Last week I tied on a bit too much wine, and broke up with him (after 6 years). I cried all week long, and finally we met up on friday night to try to work it out, since most of it is my own insecurity. Well, now we are working on it, but I still have so many inner conflicts. This is only a day 1 of the cleanse, and so much to sort out. Weight is an issue, I'm 42 and 5'5" and weigh 168 this morning. I just feel that if I can get in control of that aspect of my life, then perhaps I can see other aspects more clearly. I'm overloaded at work, overloaded at home, finishing up and MBA, and boyfriend has his own seperate household that doesn't look like will include me any time soon. So I'm doing this cleanse for the physical weight loss, and for a hopefuly mental and spiritual cleanse. I haven't been spiritual for a long time, so is hopefully time for a change!
Sammi (Suzanne)

[sopheetsa]

dear Sammi :

SO GLAD you wrote! Sounds like your life can be rough: "overloaded at work, overloaded at home" but all that can ease up-- if you CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK! :) Take it from someone who's tryin to do so too! As hard as it feels-- it doesn't look (to me) like you're doing half bad! You've got a WONDERFUL boyfriend (alright, so he has committment issue...:)) you're getting your MBA, AND you're on your way to a BIG TIME CHANGE--hurray!

I really hear you about the self esteem thing-- and that's my big "achilles heel"! It is amazing what a bit of weight loss will do though-- and early spring is a good time for it too! I started out (I'm 5'6") -at 170 (having gained 30 lbs) *BEFORE the cleanse, and I felt AWFUL about it. (I probably said that already.) Actually it may have been 5 lbs more than that-- at least according to the digital scale at the gym, but if you don't mind, I'll report my weight on MY scale. I'm now close to 145 on that same scale-- just about-- and today I'm wearing my (looser) of my tighter jeans-- if that makes sense. My belt is already too loose! I may have to put in another hole.

I don't have to sweat it when I get up and have to figure out what to wear-- it is actually FUN and I have CHOICES-- instead of all the "fat pants" -- I can wear skin tight jeans again--woo hoo! That may sound completely ASSinine :)-- but it makes a difference with every person I meet, with how I stand, with how I talk! I can enjoy myself more. Two people just asked me today if I was losing weight! (and when I told one-- it was *due to "stress on the job"-- that I had gained weight and was now taking it off- she said: "Look at me!!!" ie she has gained weight too...)

The hardest part (for us "spiritual" folk ;))-- is a bit less superficial-- reaching for the "higher self" which is buried somewhere under there. Like today-- I'm gonna try to do my best here at work-- and-- I'm gonna try to get my "research" act together-- on my "dream" project!

If you can, don't wait around for you boyfriend to get his (committment) act together or go beating yourself up till he does--IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM! . You're getting YOUR act together-- and all good things will follow!

STAY STRONG! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/party/party-smiley-017.gif

keep on cleansin & postin!

soph

[Sammi]

Thank you, that was wonderful. I went and worked out hard last night, and went down 5 pounds on the scales here at work. That was so utterly not expected. I think I've been holding on to a lot of water, as I should have lost some last week with all the tears. :/
I feel pretty good today, on day 2. I am going to go work out tonight as well. There is something about hitting that treadmill for me that gets a lot of my frustrations out.
You are right, bf has his own deals to sort out, and I know he is thinking about it after my big "break down" last week. I'm just kind of backing up and taking a look at stuff. I don't have to make any big decisions just yet, and probably shouldn't while in the midst of everything going on. My daughter husband and baby live with me, and my son in college lives with me. I tend to go home and pick up after them all, which I've got to stop doing. Plus, thinking about getting rid of the house because I'm tired of living next door to my ex and his entourage. It was fine while the kids were younger, but I'm tired of it, plus if I get rid of the house, perhaps the kids will find their own places maybe....although I'd miss that sweet baby! BUT, this is the time to cleanse, and sort out the emotional deals, and not make any decisions. Just start with losing weight. I look really good at 145 where you are right now, and you are an inch taller, so you are looking great! 135 is my ultimate goal, but 145 is the first step. How far are you going on your cleanse? I saw somewhere that you made 30 days. Pretty awesome!
Sammi

[sopheetsa]

Dear Sammi :

Like others have said to me: YOU HAVE A LOT GOING ON! But you're also blessed with many good things! Sounds like the Cleanse is just the thing to help you "focus inward". That's one of the many things it has done for me. The hard part of that- is -- IT ISN'T EASY! That's why I came over here (to this side post.) It wasn't just narcissism :) or wanting to hear myself talk. I DESPERATELY needed a place to talk about what I was going through! I was hoping other people would join me... but, as I keep saying- I didn't want to detract from the overall positive energy of the main board.

I think it takes some understanding of a high order to get how it is that "complaining" doesn't mean you want to give up-- but rather that you NEED TO DO THAT (ie complain) in order to move ahead... So, I hope you don't think it is insulting of me to say so-- but I'M GLAD you're starting to use the board that way! It is important to talk about what's hard, just as it is to talk about what's going well!

Also: It is AWESOME you're working out! AWESOME! That will bring many benefits-- Since you already know, I don't have to tell you. The only hard part- is believing that you can do it while on the Cleanse-- and realizing you can- is liberating -- isn't it?

As for all the details- about your living circumstances etc-- I don't know that I should say this to you- because it is YOUR life-- but I do think-- that doing the Cleanse-- is the first place to start! Start with YOU, your own temple-- and the rest-- I think you'll figure out! I'm glad you shared all that with me. Myself have to figure out what to do vis a vis.. all of that. I am currently (for the first time, in my long life) living again with my parents! How hard is that? It has to do with a lot of circumstances...too long to go into. The good thing is that I'm making more $$$ than I've made in my whole life-- and probably can think about maybe buying a house. But lots to figure out there... w my b.f. etc....

Best of luck-- getting thru day 2 & then 3... these aren't exactly easy-- but eventually- it is easier sailing!

As for me, yea, I'd like to continue if possible. But I have to see how it goes. The weight loss has been quite encouraging (even tho only about a pound every two days)-- and btw-- when you don't see it-- remember there's a lot goin on, not just weight loss to consider! 5 lbs in 2 days is downright phenomenal!

take care! keep on truckin--err treadin! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sport/sport-smiley-009.gif

soph

[sopheetsa]

i'm sorry folks. had to come here & have a breakdown! look there's NOTHING REALLY WRONG! i'm doing WELL! i'm able to fit into my relatively tighter pants! i look good- and as my boyfriend says- (we both had corrective eye surgery for being cross-eyed) appearances are the only things that matter! right?

look, i'm sorry but i'm a psycho-mess again. i just went over to see the new office suite being constructed for my boss- which includes-- yup-- an office of my own. step up from my cubicle, i'll have walls & a door that locks (instead of WINDOWS onto the corridor to see all the passers-by).

i'm having a meltdown. it isn't that i want to eat because i'm hungry-- because i'm not. it's just that i'm a raging emotional mess! i wish someone could hold me while i cry (I can even have that later on tonight!) so WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? i have a good job, everyone in my life is in relatively good health-- barring some difficulties. i'm losing weight.. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

i'm sorry to even be writing this at all. it is just i'm climbing the walls right now. i do want to say-- "STOP THIS TRAIN I WANT TO GET OFF!"

endless lemonade ahead. this morning was almost the last of the first gallon bottle. i started to notice that the salt is emptying. i can't TAKE IT! i can't even be funny about it! arghhh!

people are going to come on here, and encourage me-- may be. but who the hell cares? what does it matter?

HELP!

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

http://fulcrum.physbio.mssm.edu/~sdy/images/6.gif

[Sammi]

Hi honey Sopheesta,
You are the greatest, and everyone can meltdown here and there. You are looking great, what has made you crumble? I'm doing much better, just since your posts. See how much you help everyone? How long are you cleansing? Endless lemonade would freak me out after so long. I made this deal with God (thankfully He loves me, even though I've neglected him for years!!), so won't cheat until at least Saturday. :) And hopefully by then, will have the strength to continue. You are the BOMB baby, and I am rooting for you, and many others. Only 1 pound every two days? I was hoping for 2 every day. hmmmm may have to adjust my goals.

I'm not detoxing too bad........ I didn't know iafter work f bf would want to work out or not (he works somewhere where we don't have contact during the day), so I had a meeting in town and dropped by his house after work to change and work out. He has the greatest neighborhood, so went ahead and started running my 3 mile stretch there. He actually called (like he used to before my "episode" and wanted to work out. I'd only gone a mile, so I ran back to his house, then we went to the gym. I ended up working out more than usual, not bad for day 2.. But, then , ohmigosh, we went and met friends at an upscale "bar" and that was hard. It has wonderful food, and I kept smelling it! Then, my sweetie says he hasn't eaten, (of course he is tipsy too) and we come back here to his place and he makes eggs on a bun with turkey sausage that I'd made for Super Bowl. So, long story short, here I am trying to ignore the munching in the next room,....he should be finished soon, but you should try smelling sausage and eggs, even warmed up. Wonderful! I went home for lunch today from work, and my daughter had made bacon of some sort. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm I can resist as long as God is involved, we've always had that sort of relationship, you know, me never talking to Him, and then me needing something and making a deal. By the way, I'm barely anything "godly" although I so grew up that way. I don't go to church, bad experience with what I guess is a "cult".
OK, my rant is over. I could go on and on, but I really want to share, not rant. Together, we can be so much more than we are alone.......................

Write back!
Suzanne sammi
I just like sammi, I don't know why.

[sopheetsa]

Hi Sammi:

How COOL -- you wrote me! I have been having across the board (literally & figuratively--and furtively and openly) meltdowns!

I enjoyed reading your post to me just now. How great--about the workout(s) AND you managed to go through all that torment with yummy smelling food! And good for you for making a pact with God! Excellent-- I think S/He'll help keep you on course!

Don't go by my weight loss-- everybody's different! I've seen some incredble rates being reported by other people. Even if it feels slow (to me) it is actually pretty amazing-- for me-- that I can fit into my pre- 30 lb weight gain clothes just about. I'm still like 5-6 lbs within that goal.

What kind of "cult" church did you grow up in? Now you have me really curious! By the way-- I do NOT distinguish between what you call "share" or "rant" -- ie I think it is ALL GOOD-- or else -- well-- I'd have to feel really BAD about what I'm doing here :) you know what i mean? So share/rant away! I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Soph.

is "sammi" your last name- or a nickname?

[sopheetsa]

up against that elemental self-- something primordial: the cosmic force, these days. and *like all the king's horses and all the king's men-- even the positive appreciative external Universe-- doesn't calm the turbulent universe within!

http://www.duncancumming.co.uk/photos/time.jpg

i'm WELL! *struggling over self love-- which NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE!

wishing you the best on your journey,

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/liebe/love-smiley-009.giflove,

soph

PS: continuing *emmanations indicate I must continue! :)

[queensharon]

Hey Soph and Sammi, I enjoyed your posts :D I think looking deeply within ourselves is VITAL in every single day. By the way, Soph, I got the idea from Sam (a group of spirits that I channel) to let you know that a lot of their sessions that they've done with me are on my web page, free for you to read. I do paid readings/sessions, but I have a lot of free ones on my site, in case you're interested. They are very wise spirits and have some great advice/etc. They even talked with me recently about how I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole regarding what OTHERS were telling me I had to do about my weight, etc.. and then THE NEXT DAY I found this in an email.. cool, huh? It's soooo much more in align with what I feel about things.. this lemonade cleanse...

Anyway, not sure if you're interested, but feel free to check out my web site (anyone ha) at www.unleashedminds.com I"m off to watch a basketball game with my son.. did great on week 3, even though I made a CAKE for my son's birthday yesterday, made homemade tacos for the family (what a smell!!!!! so damned delicious smelling! ha) and bought groceries! I feel so proud that I was able to stick to this, and didn't even have to talk myself into it.. it just FEELS right.. and since you all are used to talking about feelings, etc. in here, I'm sure you understand :D

Talk more soon, love and hugs and great meditations and insights to you (((((((hugs)))))))

[queensharon]

ROFLHOL what positive thinking.. I wrote "did great on WEEK 3 hahaha instead of DAY 3.. hey, I like that focus :D

and my site didn't show up as a link.. let me try this again http://www.unleashedminds.com maybe that will help? anyway, see ya! :D

[Sammi]

hey, is a good day again! I haven't had time to post on the boards lately, but is fun getting caught up!
Sammi

[sopheetsa]

queensharon! mouth's waterin from your previous post (homemade tacos)! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/party/party-smiley-039.gif *I went on your (web)site from the very first I saw you posting *on this bb. (It comes up right under your photo, if you click on the "home" icon! That's part of why I said I thought you'd be an interesting addition on this board! :) I'm THRILLED http://www.kurts-smilies.de/huepf.gifyou're getting great results with the Cleanse-- I hoped you would! If you go to page "2" of this thread-- you can see a (relatively short- compared to the long drawn out-- therapy sessions I've had here...) post called "Radical Change". Part of what it says is that "radical change" is really encouraging-- and makes people wanna keep on tryin (as opposed to what's goin on w the poor folks on AOL doing 1/2 lb a week.) ;) That's what convinced me from the getgo-- that fasting was the way to go! Afterall, who wants to linger around forever http://www.kurts-smilies.de/trommel.gifhttp://fulcrum.physbio.mssm.edu/~sdy/images/whistling.gif waiting for your WEIGHT to change! NOT ME! :)

Sammi! glad you're back & havin a "good day." when you have the time, I'd love to hear the longer version! *:)

[sopheetsa]

winding down day 32

I used to come here to "hide" and complain...but now I get the feeling people READ this thing-- so I should be "upbeat"... http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-010.gifyuck! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-002.gif

i jes need a place to release my "demons" now & then. like right now--one http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gifis sayin: "you're losing Calcium! it's leeching from your bones! that's why your neck & shoulders ache!"

and another http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/teufel/devil-smiley-033.gif *is complaining: "this is beginning to feel interminable-- how long can it possibly go ON?" ???

and you guys are all great-- :) but where are youhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/traurig/sad-smiley-007.gif http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/teufel/devil-smiley-006.gif -- when I need you--(boo hoo) http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/traurig/sad-smiley-047.gif LIKE RIGHT NOW! ???http://www.kurts-smilies.de/help.gif

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/teufel/devil-smiley-005.gifhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-008.gifhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-051.gifhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-055.gifhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-054.gifhttp://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-052.gif

PS: not to worry! tomorrow's another DAY! *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sehrgrosse/large-smiley-008.gif

[sopheetsa]

day 33 in MISERY!

downing my SWF ... between typing-- woke feeling like: *http://www.smileys.ws/smls/sad/00000019.gif

Help please!
....
....Am i dying? *i am woken at 2am in agony... [4 AM in my case *--soph :)]

HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HELL???
despite *my preaching-- (and feeling I've got this down) I'm still DETOXING-- and it is HELL every time! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gif

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *http://www.smileys.ws/smls/grinning/00000046.gif http://www.smileys.ws/smls/sad/00000035.gif

PS: having finished my SWF, just went to (daily obsession :P) look at my tongue-- and -- beyond the horrid look of the central portion, there's an encroaching border of pink! Is it POSSIBLE I'm DETOXING? Emphasis-- on: actually CLEARING myself of toxins! That would be a nice thought...:)

Thank God it's the weekend! Blizzard comin in...I'm going to settle down & read my new book: The Healthy Liver & Bowel Book "Detoxification Strategies for Your Liver & Bowel"-- By best selling author Dr. Sandra Cabot, MD

hope you all have a nice day! ;D

[queensharon]

Hey soph! Please don't feel liek you have to be upbeat, that's nuts ha I always let it all hang out, and tell others if they aren't interested, move on, dont' try to change what I need to do and be! ha Especially as this is your thread, let it all hang out and if others don't like it or "get" it, tough hahaha :D I think it's healthy :D

I will definitely go back and read the beginning and page 2 of this thread when I get back from the store. I need to leave in a few minutes. My son's birthday party is today (yes, more cake, food, pizza baking tonight all that fun FOOD stuff grrrrrrrrrrrr haha) and I'm taking them out to rent a couple of games and they're bugging me to get off the computer and do it haha but I'll read it later today, thanks for letting me know :D

Good job on getting some pink tongue! You are doing great detoxing! Day 33, wow.. your'e amazing!!! (((((hugs)))))
(Oh, and I didn't realize you could click beneath someone's name for their website, etc.. thanks for that tip, and thanks for going there ha yeah I"m an interesting character, that's for sure, been called that a few times tee hee) Love ya!

[queensharon]

oh and tell us how you like that book, I might need to get it if it's good, it sounds good :D

[sopheetsa]

dear queensharon!

the book-- is interesting- I don't have the stamina to read it straight through...but I "picked" at it-- and read some portions to my friend. i even thought about typing out parts of it for this board-- but-- I'm being didactic as it is...http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/grinser/grinning-smiley-010.gif

thanks for asking how I'm doing --on that other board...

right now-- I'm laying low. the house smells of food right now. it isn't like i want to eat-- but I'm feeling flat. and gassy, worrying there's something wrong (yeast?). watching tv (which I almost NEVER do) haven't worked out-- and--too lazy to do anything.

plenty of work to do. maybe I'm slightly depressed. i think part of my problem is I haven't made a plan for how long I'm going-- and the future stretches ahead.

one reason to continue, is for greater detox-- "the pink tongue"-- which I actually think is a good idea. another is further weight loss- but believe it or not I'm somewhat discouraged about my rate being like 1/2 lb/day and LESS. I'm quite worried about lost nutrition-- but hey I felt that way from the getgo. finally--I'm not sure I will do a good job when I'm back on food. :)

thanks for listening!

I don't have much attention to answer or think about much else now....AND-- I'm watching tv!

I'm very impressed with how well you're doing! thanks for bringing your energy, wisdom, spirit & enthusiasm to this board!

UPDATE: now that I'm drinking fresh lemonade, things are looking up- plus, hate to admit it- but I'm a sucker for junk tv! (a series of "happily ever after" movies...yeah!) just a bit ago there was a commercial on that said "Colgate Enamel" has minerals that strengthen enamel! alright-- i'm gonna believe the maple syrup is doing it! love you! thanks for putting up with my moods...

Oh, & another thing: *my stomach still seems excessive-- even after 25+ lbs of weightloss... this might mean i have to keep going. :)

[Sammi]

My stomach and butt are excessive!
I must do this! Working on allergy symptoms too, I am hoping this cleanse will get rid of those. I don't know when I will see boyfriend. He is pretty consistent after 5 years, so I know he'll show up with some sort of roses. I guess I should clean up my office. Work is heavy today, so I guess I should get off the boards and concentrate. See ya'll later!

[sopheetsa]

dear Sammi!

nice to see u back here! :) good luck! keep us posted!

----

http://fulcrum.physbio.mssm.edu/~sdy/images/gearthing.gif

[Res]

Soph:

OMGosh, first I saw this > http://www.duncancumming.co.uk/photos/time.jpg



Yowsa! Kind of like the "email" talk...ouch. http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/sad017.gif Boy a picture IS worth a thousand words. Of course the word, "time" packed a punch too. It will all be ok. It's amazing what a *real hug* can accomplish when you're hurting, but for now:

http://www.ioffer.com/img/1117868400/_p/jtch7/jtch7-hug-heart.jpg


Then I just quickly scanned through the other posts and saw your "red faced one finger salute" post along with a variety of incindiary devices and laughed my head off! http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy051.gif Geez I love you. http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/love001.gif


Res waves to everyone else http://www.kurts-smilies.de/wink2.gif

~Res

[sopheetsa]

dear RES!
I was thinking teddy bears too-- but didn't have the energy, or class, to find such a great pic...
I hope you know: http://www.websmileys.com/sm/love/663.gif I LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!!http://www.websmileys.com/sm/love/663.gif

http://www.hugandkiss.com/Images/Hug%20and%20Kiss%20Logo.gif

[Res]

Oooookay. *Sanity check: *Soph, how are you feeling today? *hmmm *???

By the way, "Thank you so much". ;)

Onward Lady! *And remember, it's going - to - be - all right. *:) *

Love you,
~Res *http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/gen117.gif

[OffBase]

I'm so sad right now. So defeated.

:(

[sopheetsa]

dear OffBase!

I'm so sorry! I see you've been having a "rough" time! Look, the first thing NOT to *do, hard as that may be-- is feel BAD about yourself. *Unfortunately, for too many reasons-- many of us-- reach for food during those "rough" times! *(Myself guilty & convicted!) You've already done 4 cleanses! That's AMAZING! AND you've already managed to stick near to your ideal weight-- That's ALSO great.

Those "rough" times-- are REALLY hard on us-- and you're in it for LIFE (I hope!) -- that means you have a lot of opportunities to work this through-- and already you know you CAN succeed!

You also know, what a rough time can do to you! And hard a lesson as this is-- maybe NEXT TIME-- you WON'T LET IT HAPPEN!

At least that's what I'm HOPIN & TELLING MYSELF!

best of luck OffBase! and remember, that's what we're here for! We're ROOTING FOR YOU! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/huepfen/jumping-smiley-013.gif


http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/liebe/love-smiley-009.gif

Soph

[Res]

OFFBASE Buddy! ;D

I haven't been on the boards much so I'm not sure why you're sad. I'll run over and check it out. *hug you* *hug you* http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/common039.gif



Soph: You're the sweetest thing. I'm so happy to be a part of this crazy place. http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/common008.gif


Love you,
~Res http://www.multimediapalace.com/animations-02/people-gifs/notes1.gif

[sopheetsa]

day 43

dear Res

it is only w the greatest difficulty that i'm writing this at all. i have my raw friend on the phone supporting me. i have a really bad headache ever since i left work at 4 pm. i came home & tried to sleep but couldn't.

i've been crying and moaning to her about how totally miserable i am.

at one point i wanted to go downstairs and eat the pomegranate i'm saving to break my fast. i am totally miserable!

someone somewhere said something about how people exaggerate how bad this gets. i dare them to trade places with me right now!
http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rha/lowres/rhan64l.jpg
i'm truly f--king miserable. nevertheless, i don't think the time has come to call an end to this cleanse.

my tongue is clearly not there-- the central portion looks vile even though it is rimmed with pink! i'm still having major eliminations!

love,

soph

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/love049.gif

PS: I HATE LEMONADE! I HATE LEMONADE! I'm not gonna drink the tea tonight. I have my period-- I've been eliminating all day (BM's that is). I don't have the energy to boil the water.

PPS: it hurts the most behind my left eye-- i think it is pressure from fluid build-up. that's the eye that is more "crossed"-- not that it shows, but if i try to look out of it-- the other one goes into orbit. *http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy006.gif

[sopheetsa]

day 44

dear Res

woke up at 4 AM, cursing-- I still have the headache. took a draught of the (stone cold) *lax tea, which I did manage to brew (but not drink last night). went to the bathroom--filled the t.b. bright red (w my period.) all the while my head was pounding. and i kept asking myself: "is this a detox symptom-- or have I so thoroughly blown the cleanse, that I'm burning the inside of my brain!!!" ie sad to admit this-- but I'm still managing only HALF, yes HALF the minimum of lemonade...

I imagine people reading this, and thinking: "pathetic fool, WHY is she doing this to herself?" also, "if something is going wrong-- WHY doesn't she just stop?"

one other bizarre, or not so bizarre thing to tell you-- is that I already went through ONE period on the cleanse, this same cleanse-- and was very DELIBERATE in my decision to extend the length of the cleanse (ie in advance)-- so that I could go through ANOTHER. sound crazy? well I noticed that all my detox symptoms were INTENSIFIED. hard as that may be--I felt it was actually a good thing. I then came back (from the bathroom) checked the "main" 2006, what day, how're u doing board-- and had the audacity to post some "know it all kind of thing"... even as the mucus WAS POURING OUT OF MY NOSE-- dripping more than a foot down into my skarf! (i'm wearing a nightgown, 2 pairs of sweat bottoms, one light, one heavy, a sweatshirt top, a sweater AND A SKARF on top of that. (and was freezing--chilled--cold when I awoke.)

what a relief! mucus coming out! i had been all stopped up for days (weeks even)! it IS THE CLEANSE! the wonderful stuff is POURING OUT OF ME! woo hoo! http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy046.gif

I'm taking swigs of laxative tea now...blowing my nose which is filled to more capacity than that teenie amount of tp can handle-- and I'm DRIPPING PROFUSELY EVERYWHERE!!!! :) http://www.clicksmilies.com/auswahl/traurig001.gif http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy048.gif

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy053.gif

my head is so "stuffed" that every time I blow my nose--I hear "gurgling" and it almost sounds like it would pour out of my ear (left side). it is my left side that is definitely worse-- i think-- because I sleep more on that side than the other....even though I consciously try to rotate.

well-- there is no question- part of the detox process. but like I said in one of my posts to Ratton-- the damn thing takes me by surprise EVERY TIME!

this is ain't no party, this is ain't no picnic, this ain't no fooling around!

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy041.gif *The CLEANSE ain't for WIMPS!!! http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy038.gif

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy035.gif


post script: for those who have not been reading my posts all along: part of the reason I undertook this cleanse is I knew I had to do some very heavy detoxing. *I've had nearly 1/3 of a lifetime of severe allergies--punctuated recently by an incident where the boiler in my house "backed up" to the point that we would have all died if I were not extemely chemically sensitive to the point that I was able to get up out of a very painful headachey carbon monoxided induced near coma, and realize there was something wrong WITH THE HOUSE and NOT ME! learning to tell the difference is ALL IMPORTANT and can save lives! right now, I'm trying to clean up a highly "toxic system"-- and THAT MEANS that sometimes I have to go through some heavy "DETOX"-- or as a dear co-counsellor said (many times) to me (about emotional issues):

http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/love002.gif THE ARROW HURTS GOING IN-- AND COMING OUT! http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/love051.gif


damn head still hurts! :(

PPS: had an email exchange w my boss (who is unbelievable-- in the best sense-- an AMAZING guy) and usually up "before the crack of dawn"--telling him some work related stuff-- and that I'd be in, but late--"sleeping off a middle of the night headache!"

[sopheetsa]

well hello everyone-- Day 44

survived last night-- still have a "buzz" on the left side of my head. and coming up the stairs carrying all my stuff-- 3 of my fingers went numb for what seemed like forever. then I saw someone who just had carpal tunnel surgery.

I told a (great woman) researcher who works on phytochemicals & how they can cure various cancers I'm doing the Cleanse today. She noticed I had lost weight...The male nurse in our group-- said he liked my hair. :)

MY BM's are comin out so strong-- (I can FEEL my muscles really working-- which is GREAT) just about (for WOMEN ONLY: ) pushed the tampon out! And yest I'm STILL eliminating. The tongue shows that I should continue. I think I'm over the hump of whatever the hell that was-- I think it was very intense detox.

Thanks for letting me do it on this side board over here. I feel like I need a certain amount of privacy-- but I also want to share! Go figure!

I've squeezed my first lemonade for the day, watching others nuke their popcorn. http://www.websmileys.com/sm/crazy/167.gif I am hoping I can keep this going a bit longer...and I'm seriously considering getting a Vitamix. (I already have a juicer...but it all has to do with Vicroria's phone conference...) Been having some interesting conversations with my "RAW" friend-- who's been doing some experimenting herself...

Got the Boutenko book--"Green for Life" yesterday-- and although I read chunks of it-- I was in NO shape-- to really go through it thoroughly...

ciao for now! good luck everyone-- try to keep the balance! http://www.websmileys.com/sm/cartoon/004.gif

s

PS: thanks to y'all for being here-- because I was a serious mess-- and if I didn't have you-- and my friend-- last night-- I don't know WHAT I WOULDA DONE!

[Res]

Hi Sweetie: You're really going through it. *hug* You'll never hear me telling you to stop. You know exactly what you're doing.

Sorry about the *emotional* turmoil you're going through. It sucks. Know that I'm with you in it and through it. That's what buddies are for. :) Cry it out, get it out. Your feelings are honest and there's nothing wrong with that.

More tomorrow. *hug* again.

Love you,
~Res

[Disappearing_Act]

Soph:

I did the same thing -- extended the fast so that I can go through another period since the last one was so early. It started 3 days after I started the fast. Bright red color. Went to the doctor on Tuesday to have y blood checked since I want to go through another period on the cleanse (maybe the fibroids will disappear). Bright red blood again going into those vials. That means more oxygen (or so says the heart exhibit at the Benjamin Franklin Institute in Philadelphia), so that is good.
The memories keep flooding in. I am just trying not to shoulda, coulda woulda on myself. Never have I been so intrinsic in my life. I can honestly say that as hard as this is I have been able to be my best friend for the first time in my life -- painful memories and realizations and all. I must say, it is getting more difficult and this is day 39. NEWBIES: DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. EVERYONE'S BODY AND FAST IS DIFFERENT. The lemonade is starting to taste like salt and it is harder to get down. I am drinking at least 80-90 ounces a day.

Soph: I had those headaches in the beginning and I hope they do not revisit me. Sounds like another detox milestone for you.

Res: Thanx for always knowing the right words of encouragement.

[Res]

Disappearing_Act: HOLY CRAP! :o You two are the "Marathon Cleansers!" I'm so darn proud of you both!!

http://www.banditthebikerdog.com/1st%20place%20ribbon%20floating.gif

If we ever need to be in the trenches, I'm going in with both of you. You're tough! ;D I love that! You two made a decision and you've stuck with it. IMPRESSIVE and COMMENDABLE! I wish I needed to cleanse Longer so I could be LIKE YOU!!! lol ;D I'm serious!!


YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-005.gif

*Hugs and smooches*

Love you,
~Res http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-017.gif

[queensharon]

I've LOVED reading all the posts in here, even the explicit stuff ha I think anyone serious about the cleanse really wants to know specifics like that, and I'm really ready for a long one starting March 1st. I want to go the full 31 days of March for sure, and then we'll see.. and reading stuff from your marathoners is very motivating, thanks so much! :D

[sopheetsa]

dear People:
don't feel like making any big announcements anywhere else. i'm hoping to stay on the cleanse-- but will be away from the internet starting tomorrow-- thru- Sun eve. Queensharon-- thanks for reading this & enjoying even "the explicit stuff"-- & so for u esp, I will say that it is past midnight-- i'm just fine-- Day 46 in the wings-- and I have to get up at 4 AM to take my mom to the hospital to take her ovaries out. i fought against it, but it is her wish...and i haven't packed completely yet (which I have to do upon awakening-- as well as make lemonade...) I intend to stay in the hospital to see it through- if all goes well i will drive away to a women's workshop for the rest of the weekend in MA, to be followed up by a visit to the b.f....

looking forward to reading all the posts when i get back! wishing you all the best-- and in the meantime--

QUEEP SQUEEZIN (whether lemons or not that's up to you! :) )

[sopheetsa]

Dear Disappearing_Act- real glad you're bein your own best friend-- and when I come "back" I'd like to see more about it-- like about the memories flooding back, but till then: KEEP BEING YOUR OWN FRIEND!

--
right now I'm writing from (a medical library! at) the hospital. they've wheeled mom in for surgery. i didn't get much sleep. it was all i could do to make the lemonade and pour out the SWF, load up the car, manage to get the basket of pink tulips past her propped up on the table for when she gets back, and pack my car with a weekend's full of gear, all while my mom was anxious & aggravated that we hadn't left a half hour earlier! (i nevertheless got her here on time.)

my bro finally showed up-- and when the doctor came, I did everything I could to suggest that they save her right ovary-- since the cyst (especially in that one) is probably totally benign. the doc was fine with just draining it-- and adopting a watch & see attitude, but my mom pretty much was dead set on takin 'em both out & never worrying about them again.

there's a bit more concern (than I first thought) about how they (mom usually gives dad his meds... takes b.p....) are gonna manage this weekend. my bro's gone to pick up dad & I'm gonna go to the car pour out some fluids-- er hum -- which reminds me-- did I tell you I spilled more than HALF my SWF because I forgot to pop shut the "sip" bottle I drink it from-- but still-- managed-- the BMs-- this morning-- all while everything was happening. quite nauseous. the day before gagged on the SWF, literally gagged, for the first time.

right now-- exhausted-- but glad to report those BM's are still producing old crud. the tongue seems like it is gettin there-- a lighter layer of white coating overall.

gonna go for now. thanks for listening.

soph

[Dreams]

Hello there, dear, sweet, Sopheetsa!

I so love reading your posts. I know you are away right now, but I want to let you know Im still reading the boards and am still out here somewhere!

I am so proud of you! You are a Marathon Master Cleanser!! AWESOME!!

I know you have reached some real milestones in you Cleanse and you have done it all the while giving so much of yourself to the rest of us!! Thanks for that, Soph! Its been such a blessing to have you on board.

I'm doing well after my 29 day MC1. I am eating a MUCH healthier diet now and still in the smaller clothes I got into at the finish! Love that!! Consuming much more fruit and vegetables, both raw and cooked varieties, which I love. Drinking more water now than I ever have. A big improvement for me. And I have been successful at not returning the caffeine and sugar and processed foods back into my diet at all. Much less meat now. Fish and chicken so far, but no red meat and no pork. I feel good about what I'm eating. Lots of fresh foods and soups and such. Yummy stuff!!

But I don't always feel real well lately. Some tummy trouble of some kind. Painful bloating and constipation. Have gained back 6 of the 20 lbs I lost and am feeling really anxious about that, even though my clothes don't feel any different yet. I miss some of the ways I felt better while on the cleanse, and am considering starting my MC2 much earlier than I originally intended. Was going to wait till May, but now am thinking I will start again right after my birthday in March. No plans to go more than 10 days this time. I'll decide on all of those details later.

The things I miss the most are the reduced pain in my spine I had experienced while on the cleanse and the incredible improved quality of my sleep!! Also that good, ol' no bloat, light, clean, freshly rinsed innards feeling!! Really miss that, I tell ya!!

So I'll be back again soon. I have a great deal of trouble getting the reply window to load on the What Day are You On thread, so I don't post there much now. I get really impatient with all that waiting. But I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you still. And that I still look for you everyday on the BB. Hurry back and let us know how you are doing!!

A shout out to Res and QueenSharon too!! I so enjoy both of you as well, and am so glad you're here!!

Until later then, from somewhere Deep in the Heart of Texas . . . Best of Everything to y'all . . . ~ Dreams ~

[Disappearing_Act]

Hey Soph:

Sorry to hear about your Mom. It is a test for both of you and I know both of you will pull through with flying colors. Getting two hours of sleep, taking Mom to hte hospital and then dealing with doctors. You are truly amazing and inspirational.

As far as becoming my own best friend, I had a wonderful time at a travel show today. More about the future!!

Anyway, yesterday, all I had was water. I bought these lemons earlier in the week from my neighborhood health food store and they were different than what I usually get. The first batch was great because they were so sweet, I thought they were tangerines. But the next batch tasted like lichees. I had to dump my entire supply at work. I had nothing until I went to a cabaret nightclub that night and had Perrier with lime. I almost gave up.

Furthermore, today I had to ran out of cayenne pepper. So I keep a stash at work (where I make my "tea" consisting of maple syrup, cayenne pepper, hot water and lemons) and I am going into work tonight to get the cayenne pepper. Right now I am just drinking lemonade without the cayenne. Good thing I went out and bought my distilled water last night. Anyway, day 41. The energy is waning, but I still want to see this through to 5__ whatever.

Dreams:

Thanx for checking in about life after MC.

[trishaindenver]

you all are amazing- i got back on line to kind of convince myself to stay on the cleanse- thinking words of inspiration might ring true...and needless to say i am day 2...i want a piece of cheese so bad....and then i read all of everyones' heroing tales of 15, 45, days of detox...how the hell do you do it?
i keep thinking of mahatma gandhi and how he went weeks to liberate an entire country- and i have trouble with a few days of lemonade water to liberate myself...
I am very tired and have zero strength- and the stools are orange/yellow- anyone have this pleasant experience? Talk about bowel liberation...
I am worried about working tomorrow and the energy factor----will i get some strength???????
and does anyone drink mint tea in the evening?
thanks for listenning- good luck to you all- sorry to hear about your mum.. soph....

Sat NAm
t.

[Res]

Trisha: *When you get hungry, *drink* lemonade. *Really, *it minimizes and sometimes completely removes the hunger. *In between lemonade, drink water. *

The toughest part (for staying the course) are the first 3 days so what you're going through is normal. *You actually end up in a groove, or routine when you keep going. * You can do it... just take one day at a time and keep talking to yourself about it. *Just think in just 8 days you'll get solid food again. *:)

Yesterday at work one of the bosses was eating something with fresh garlic (I love garlic). *While walking by her office I had the strongest urge to *pounce* on it. *;)

Yes, mint tea is allowed. *:)

The stools you're referring to sounds normal too. And the lack of energy is usually what I experience. Some people can workout and fly through the cleanse. It's just different for everyone. Don't beat yourself up...get through your work day and then come home and rest. Try to work "with" your body because it's really working hard to remove the crud from your system.

Paul Bragg had everything wonderful to say about Ghandi. Some people thought Ghandi was weak and frail, but Bragg said he was strong physically and mentally, very clear minded. When he fasted he drank water with honey and lemon to flavor it. All stories like this help me on my own cleanse\fasting journey. Plus when you get done, you get bragging rights. ;) It's more than that actually, you bond with people here and you gain a very visceral confidence in yourself when you're done. It's worth it. :)

Hang in there, you can do it.

Love,
~Res

[emilindrac]

Soph,
I sent you a message that you can ignore, after finding this thread I know that you are ok. I think for me it was the morbid (sort of) cartoon with a link and instructions to search the word "death"for more on the other thread that had me worried. Hang in there!

[Res]

Oooh cool. *A "male" in the "emotions" thread. http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy041.gif

I think I have to stop listening to Coldplay (plays daily). *I love them, but some of the song lyrics depress the heck out of me. *I hate being depressed but really love the music. Stupid quandry. *And why can't they just come out and say what they mean instead of me having to try to piece the meaning together! I mean, WHATS UP WITH THAT? :P

I have a bone to pick with Chris Martin! http://www.finalstar.com/coldplay/photos/chris015s.jpg <snicker>

Love you all!
~Res

[sopheetsa]

dear emilindrac
sorry to get you scared w my sick & "morbid" sense of humor! If I had the time-- and attention I'd comeup w a good smiley here-- but I am in the hospital w mom-- so tired-- and a bit minimal--BUT I AM OK & hopefully all will go well!

glad to see this thread's been going strong! right on folks! EMOTIONAL detox is a big part of making it through this cleanse. keep remembering we have to LET IT ALL HANG OUT in order to keep doing it! and this is the best place (this bb) to get the support you need to get through the rough spots... ok, gotto go back to mom-- now.

love all,

soph

[emilindrac]

Hey all,
Yes a male has invaded this space -sorry.
Soph, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my father about 18 months ago
and still am suffering daily, despite having a very supportive family and friends. I'll tell you that this cleanse (day 5) has definitely brought up some raw emotions that I continue to try to deal with daily, but usually suppress with work and food and sports and family(definitely not in that order).
My Mom also had an obstruction in her small bowel from adhesions due to a prior hysterectomy, and fortunately it was caught in time as well. I'm sure your Mom is going to do well. Also, sorry to freak out on you when you hadn't posted, but I had spent the last few days reading the other thread and began to worry. 50 days-wow!! I'm going to go ten.
Res- My biggest vice (aside from mindless gorging) is music-I own about 5000 discs and as we speak I am downloading Rhett Miller's new disc into my itunes.
I shouldn't admit this as a man either, but I really like Coldplay as well, although I enjoyed the first two discs more than the latest. In fact for a while I listened to Parachutes every day on the way home from work for like two months straight.
Anyway, I'm heading back over to the other thread and will try not to be caught in here again. Next thing you know I'll be watching the Lifetime Network instead of ESPN!

[Res]

Soph: You Sweetie! Rest as much as you can. How's your Mom doing? Update us when you can. *hug* :)




No No No Emilindrac! Come back! I was just making an observation! lol :) You're MORE than welcome here. ;D

I'm so sorry about your Dad. *hug* I don't know what to say except I feel for you.

Yes! *MUSIC* So happy to have another fanatic aboard. http://www.kurts-smilies.de/rock.gif And what's wrong with being a man who likes Coldplay? I know men who like Coldplay! Take a look at the audience photos too! ;). They rock and they're amazing, although I'm still protesting the "lyrical brain freeze" http://www.kurts-smilies.de/nut.gif that occurs when I try to figure out what the heck they're talking about at times!

Heading towards the other thread http://www.kurts-smilies.de/undwech.gif

Love you all,
~Res

[.natalie.]

hi all.
you have no idea how much reading all of this helps me go "one more day"....over and over again! just to hear other peoples problems makes mine feel less significant. that said, i'm still a bit of a whiner! i'm on day 12 and i think i'll have to quit soon. my tongue is still grody, and i was hoping to go until it was better, but i just don't think i can last. up until day 8 was great and fine and i had my moments but for the most part felt great. but i'm working basically all day (2 jobs) and never sleep all night (if you could even call catching the 5 available hours "all night") because my son is always up at least once in the night, and even though my partner is the one who mostly takes care of him at night, it is still disrupting. i'm finding myself really really stressed, i just started my period yesterday and dealing with stupid things like car accident insurance and car shopping and physio for my neck after the accident and invasive landlords and i HATE that i don't have a single second of the day to just mellow out and relax and do my own thing but there is ALWAYS something that NEEDS to be done and i feel like i'm going insane. i just wonder if its a good time to be on this cleanse, it just seems to make everything more difficult, you know? b/c its just one more thing on top of all of this day to day crap...i can barely find time to clear an hour to do the swf, and heaven help me if it takes more than an hour. i know none of this is really important or informative enough to be worthy of posting, but i thought i'd try the 'rant' thing to see if it makes me feel better. i know the mc is good for me and i really would have liked to have gone longer, but i think i'd better call it quits before i get out of control. what am i saying i'm already out of control! hahaha. anyways...i know in most cases its better to try toughing it out...am i stupid to quit now? i have no idea how you guys have managed to last as long as you have - you amaze me. i should get going...to work....yay....

[Res]

Awww Natalie: *hug* Life sucks sometimes doesn't it? Sounds to me as if you're having a *detox* day on top of the rest of everything.

We all got through it the same way you're getting through it...kicking and screaming the whole way. :P *smooch* Ya HAVE to rant. It's part of the cleanse. lol I think getting it out, being here and reading everyone else's story, and reaching out for support is the name of the game and we're more than happy to smother you with encouragement. ;D Because, "if" I can do it, anyone can do it. ;)

You're calling the shots though. But think about this, if you *weren't* cleansing right now and going through all the stress would you be stuffing really bad food into yer gullet? So, either way the stress is there.

Whatever you decide will be applauded. You've already made it to Day 12 :o and that's a HUGE accomplishment! ;D

Love,
~Res

[.natalie.]

thanks res!
you're sweet. i did have an awful day, but its over....and...uh...so is my cleanse. well after tonite anyways. i went 13 days and i'm okay with that...i think. i've done the cleanse quite a few times before but only for 10 days and i've never experienced the energy and just 'good' feeling that this cleanse gave me (minus yesterdays little tanty). and now that i've done 13, i know i can kick it up a notch next time. i just really need energy right now, food energy. i have an 18 hour workday on monday and while i'm sure i could pull it off on the cleanse, i know i would be miserable. so yay! 13 days, my best yet! that juice tomorrow is going to taste sooo good....

[Res]

Good for you! ;D You're listening to your body. Way to make it to 13 Days! http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/happy057.gif

We'll see you next time! :)

Love,
~Res

[Res]

Several years ago a bunch of us were duped online by a group claiming to be from the world renown Rea Centre in London. Oh, they were indeed from London, but not at all who they said they were and there was no Rea Centre. But one thing is for certain, for a few years these men and women who posed as doctors, biologists and scientists gave their time and attention and a huge chunk of wisdom to us.

Anyway, Declan Twohig ("The Director") wrote this when he was alive and its chocked full of truth, regardless of the phony circumstances it was all set up under. Read for yourself.

Disclaimer: This will not pat you on the head and feed any depression or self pity, but it's a fantastic tool for opening the mind and getting us to face reality:

Are YOU worth it? 2/28/02

This post may help or may not! For whatever reason, now I'm back at
work, I'm getting a lot of input from my colleagues, showing up with
ID deleted support data sheets and looking for a viewpoint from me.
Which is flattering but not too helpful, as it is so repetitive. So a
blunt page for today.

We think that we know it all because we know ourselves and assume
that everyone else is the same. This is incorrect, and it may upset
some to lay it on the line, but tough. You want a result, whether it
is to lose weight or change some other aspect of you life. So many
say that this is happening and that is happening and woe is me, I
can't change it and I can't stop it – and the onus is then placed
upon my colleagues to come up with a miracle. They can't – you can.
So let's spell it out.

The human being is a mammalian species, one of many, many on planet
earth. We have unique advantages and we have unique disadvantages.
One of which is the arrogance of assuming that we are in charge and
we know it all. Wrong!

The human being is as much a product of his unique neurological
functioning as a rabbit or a cat or a dog is a product of theirs,
within their own species parameters. We function as a result of our
neurology, NOT some puny, pathetic, over-hyped conscious mind
function, not as a result of logic and intellect which are about as
useful as a cup of water on a forest fire when something goes awry.
And if we don't realise this and accept this, then the problems
experienced will remain until we are lowered into a hole in the
ground, or the conveyor belt rubbles into the oven at the crematorium

If you want to make a difference, if you want a super new life and a
super new body, realise this: you function as a result of neurology,
and this is simplistically a gigantic computer system. You know what
happens when you encounter hiccups on your PC – the wretched machine
doesn't deliver what you expect. Your mind body system is the same,
in many respects.


Our brains take in input from the rest of our bodies. And we take in
input from the external world. BUT everything that goes in is
distorted by having to go through the filter systems of the brain.
These incorporate all the rules of life we have learned, all the
learning and experiences of life, all the beliefs we have about life,
all the values we have acquired in life. So what our bodies are like
and how they function in the world thus structures the very concepts
we can use to think. We cannot think just anything only what our
embodied brains permit.. And this means the filter system. It
contains templates for our individual life and anything that comes
into the brain has to be manipulated to match the templates.

If you think the world is a crock of manure and out to get you, this
is YOUR filter system, and it will duly transform any data you take
in, any experience you have to fit this perception of the world – and
deliver it to you faultlessly, time after time after time. I'm a
failure, life is cruel, my body is outside my control, people are out

[Res]

to hurt me, I cannot make any difference, I can't, I should, I ought,
I must. You get what you get as a result of your individual filter
system, and yours is different to mine, and mine is different to
Alan's at Rea, and Alan's is different to Hele's or Ros or Lin. This
is what makes up the diversity of humanity. You don't like what you
get, you can change it, but not by whimpering and whinging and
expecting someone to produce you a miracle while you sit back and
moan about life and what it owes you. Life owes you NOTHING. You
exist, you have a life, you create what resides inside the four walls
of life – or someone or something else will do it for you.

>>2
We have an experience of the world and of being alive, but we do not
experience the world as it actually is. Whatever may be out there is
filtered through our senses and the very processing of sensory data
distorts that data. We have no idea of what we are seeing only what
is represented as seen. This representation is not real, but since we
have nothing to compare it against and no way of knowing how accurate
it is, it acts as reality. Since we tend to seek out information that
confirms what we believe, and disregard that which doesn't, this
representation, or map, conditions our senses.

Richard Bandler has commented, The only way you can break your
beliefs is by opening up your senses. By detecting more. Things that
are outside of what you believe. You have to tramp around the outside
of your own map or model of the world. Otherwise you have to live
inside it and defend it ideologically.

Let's simplify this down. You are what you think. What you think is
effectively, much of the time, pre-programmed by your filters which
will give you what the brain has as a standard to match incoming data
against. What doesn't match will be distorted or disregarded.
Effectively, the reality of the world is not YOUR reality, which is
personal to you as mine is to me. So….we live in an illusion, we live
in a dream, and we are as pre-programmed as a bunny rabbit. With a
difference.

WE can change our programmes, a rabbit cannot. If you want to say I
can't do anything, I can't control my body, I can't control my
eating, I can't handle my feelings and emotions, THIS is exactly what
you will produce by this sort of thinking pattern. The filters will
happily accept and deliver, to the letter and on the button.

If you WANT to change the filters, then YOU can or I can, and a
rabbit cannot, because it's neurology has no means of permitting this
sort of major change. We humans are peculiarly blessed, and the
interpretation of this, I leave to your individual concepts of life,
and creation.

HOWEVER, there is more. Isn't there always? Yes, you can transform
your life, your body, your world, to a new perceptual and
experiential reality….which is as much a dream and illusion as the
old one…but better, because you can finetune and alter it and improve
it as you go along.

You want a happy life, a glowing relationship, zing in the
interactions with your children, friends and the human race at large?

[Res]

You can build it. Put an ice pack on your head and look back to the 3
letter word….YOU. Not me. Not the doctor. The only person who can
effect change in your life, and create aspects like the body you want
and the states of mind you want is YOU.

And this means a number of things. It is no use railing about how
terrible life is right now. This changes nothing and simply adds to
the mountain of trouble. It is no use running away from yourself.
Your present reality is your present reality, and the only way in is
to say `OK, this is the way things are now – I accept it as a
statement of reality'. Nothing more. It exists and until you draw
that line you can't move on to building something new.

>>3
Secondly, you have to have an awareness of what you do want, and this
is very obviously lacking in too many. They know what they do not
want, in crystal clear detail, but phrase it in such a way that
raging about what they hate in their life becomes their daily
reality. They come up with vague, dreamy aspirations about losing
weight or being happy or just being `different'. This is useless
because it has no planning, no action plan, no timespan, no detail,
nothing that subconscious can hook into and use to build the new
reality. Many see their beliefs and learning as fixed and to try and
construct the new with the old tools is a non-starter.

And maybe, above all, there are two self limiting perceptions.
Firstly that somehow, miraculously, change can be effected overnight,
instantly, in one, without making the least effort to dismantle the
structures that feed and maintain the old ways. Instant gratification
for least or no effort, and delivered as swiftly as a Domino Pizza by
moped to your door.

And this ingrained assumption about learning that it is what you do
at school and when the school door closes, behind you, that is it.
You are a fully fledged, fully knowing human being who can depend on
that body of knowledge for the rest of your natural and it makes you
competent. Wrong. It makes you an idiot, if you assume this. We are
CONSTANTLY learning and being presented with opportunities to learn.
If we are in a position of NOT knowing, then we can learn, and this
means going back to the position of a school child, and applying
yourself to the tasks of seeking out the information needed and
learning to use it practically. There is no point in assuming that
you can drive a car at 100mph on a racetrack when your present level
of competence and knowledge doesn't extend to switching the engine
on, in the first place.

Attitude shift needed. If you see this as a chore, as a process to be
endured and cut short and cheated upon, then so be it. This travesty
of learning will be your reality. If you are willing to turn learning
new learning into a joy, an adventure and exploration, then your
subconscious will support you to the hilt ONCE all parts of you are
united and decided upon a course of action. Which means that self
talk saying one thing and actions saying the opposite simply won't be
helpful. It does become a journey, and it can be an exhilarating
experience though it goes without saying that the way we humans learn
is by making mistakes. Which has two sides – the more mistakes you
make, the more it is likely that you are active, and if you make a

[Res]

mistake, it isn't life threatening but it can give you a bump. You'll
live and you'll learn and the possibility of falling over a few times
or making a mistake is not cause sufficient to justify doing nothing
and hoping for a miracle to land on you. It will not.

>>4
If you are willing to learn, with a positive frame, and you are
willing to clean up all the self-defeating self talk, the self-
bullying and the pessimism, willing to accept the status quo as the
baseline reality you plan to change and just as this, willing to
accept that patience is a virtue and not a vice, willing to be human,
not a perfectionist, willing to ask lots of questions of yourself and
answer them, and willing to climb over the fences and get in there
with your emotional family, as a leading focus, and willing to be
honest and detailed about what you want, then the circus hits the
road, and you'll have a lot of pleasure, some shocks and spills too,
but you will succeed. Because you are human, like the rest of us and
success doesn't pass your door by unless you deliberately lock and
bolt it.

So start with taking a long hard look at yourself, and deciding if
you are willing to open the doors to life, or skulk behind the closed
door and treat life as a hostile force trying to break in. You do
have this free choice and whichever way you choose, you will get a
result. The results will be as different as chalk and cheese, but you
can't complain about that because you chose one or the other, for
yourself, and your subconscious delivered your selection, exactly as
specified and requested.

Change the dream, change the illusions, change the reality, and
change your life. If a man crippled beyond belief, in a wheelchair,
can have a fuller and richer life than most able-bodied folk, if a
person with a terminal condition can have a life that may be short
but it sparkles, if the village idiot, without your intellectual
ability, can have a life that is his or her pleasure and joy, then
you have advantages and resources beyond your wildest dreams. If you
choose to dust them off and use them.


Helsinki
(Declan Twohig)


*I'm not being mean or trying to offend anyone. I found this in my computer archives. I'm having my own issues at the moment and have nothing but deep compassion for anyone going through anything.

I love you,
~Res

[sopheetsa]

dear Res:

I was in some kind of emotional storm--and I was thrashing all over the place-- so I finally came here to find some corner of the universe where I could vent-- and I find this post of yours! :)

well-- as usual-- now-- I'm crying. i've told everybody off-- just about-- who I could tell off-- and I'm stuck with myself-- and this is the one hardest person of all to deal with... (me that is.)

(a lot of people at work have been giving me speeches about how i lost too much weight-- and I should watch it-- and all this-- and here i am struggling to keep it off--and lose some more- and it wasn't helping--and I got all upset--)

so finally I took some of them aside and told them: look, this IS NOT EASY FOR ME-- even thought I tell most people it IS-- and all you have to do is-- NOT EAT (various things) the bottom line is-- this IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME-- I've thought *A LOT about it-- and in order to continue-- I NEED YOUR HELP AND SUPPORT-- and NOT YOU TELLING ME NOT TO DO WHAT I AM SETTING OUT TO DO HERE!

anyway-- that doesn't even begin to cover what I said-- I told them that 2 out of 3 Americans is overweight-- and this food that we're eating is NOT healthy. when they told me I should exercise-- I SAID: "I DO!" I didn't want to say- "I exercise MORE THAN YOU!" but that's what I wanted to say-- instead I said: "I exercise MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE DO! I run and swim and do ab and push up exercises EVERY DAY!"

I can't stand it that people are giving me a hard time when there are all these other people walking around overweight and NOBODY TALKS TO THEM! I can't STAND it that they SERVE UP GREAT BIG BALLS of CREAM CHEESE at a Medical Research INSTITUTE! I *can't STAND IT THAT THEY SERVE BAGELS! and NOBODY GET'S YELLED AT FOR EATING THEM!

sorry if I'm being really emotional today!

I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I should just "juice" fast for the rest of the day-- or have my salad.

I LOVE MY SALAD-- It is so GOSH DARN HEALTHY! but I PIGGED OUT YESTERDAY towards the end of the day- (and not even on bad stuff-- it was salad--but it was TOO MUCH) and it was all in reaction to EVERYBODY HAVING A REACTION! It's great that everybody notices and comments-- but there comes a point where I can't handle the reactions!

anyway-- I think it all goes back to some early stuff-- because I had issues with weight when I was growing up-- and I am upset about times when people reacted EITHER WAY!

ok, thanks for listening!

love,

s

PS:

no sooner did I post this-- than somebody said to me: "NO MORE! NO MORE!" meaning no more weight loss. well-- it is probably good-- i've been venting-- because I didn't go apeshit-- I looked deeply into her eyes and told her I needed to do this-- and IT WASN'T EASY FOR ME-- whereupon--- she totally got it-- and said it wasn't easy for her either! :)

[Res]

Soph: Yeah, there could be a couple of reasons people are reacting so strongly to your weight loss;

1.) they really care

2.) they're really envious

3.) who knows? they're really nosey.

But tune it out my Friend. ;) You did this for you and that's what matters.

I've had a few people at work comment, and one with a very caring heart told me I didn't eat...but I do, she just doesn't see me eat. So, I'm going to make it a point to eat something in front of her, even a banana or an orange (and I'll offer her a bite) just so she'll have that association in her head about me and food.

You should take in celery sticks with raw cashew butter (oh YES and YES) and pass it out while munching on a few. That'll show em! ;)

In the meantime, let it go cause you've got much more on your plate to deal with. And it probably does go back to your childhood. We all have "stuff" to deal with and this appears to be your time, or one of your times to let it all come up. *hug*

Love you,
~Res ;)

[sopheetsa]

dear Res:

thanks-- as always-- what you sayrings true... i had a hell of a time yesterday-- and spoke up about it to some people--which helped.... right now dead tired-- but i will say-- people who see the salads I make-- always say: WOW! that looks SO HEALTHY!

they just RADIATE! my b.f. was saying that about 'em. it's funny- cause he's such a meat & potatoes guy- but he has a real appreciation for my salads-- and it isn't that they're that special-- but they're SO ALIVE-- and BRIMMING with health & goodness!

i ate a fair amount today-- but I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED eating. i still wish i coudl eat a bit less, and less desperately. there's some other kinks to straighten out...

but all in all I DELIGHT in eating-- and -- I also love-- to eat-- out of my wooden (acacia ?) salad bowl-- out in the SouthWESTERN stairwell-- where i sit-- DRINKING UP THE SUN-- since I have no window in my (current) cubicle.

soon they're moving me to a REAL office-- by boss is having built-- for me-- as part of his suite of offices-- but that too- has no WINDOW-- so-- who knows but i'll be seeking that stairwell--- some more.

people come by and see me eating there-- and know I LOVE IT!

not everyone knows-- but slowly they're catching on-- to my ways-- and it does make an impression (not that I'm trying...)

but everyone can tell-- that there's sOMETHING happenin that's DIFFERENT!

love,

soph

[sopheetsa]

Well Res;

Here I am, back again-- on the road http://www.kurts-smilies.de/helm2.gifto paradise http://www.kurts-smilies.de/urlaub.gif.

But it's still sink or SWIM http://www.kurts-smilies.de/helpme.gif and I gotta learn how to fish! http://www.kurts-smilies.de/angeln.gif.

That being said-- it doesn't seem to HAPPEN-- nearly every day. And I know I gotta break outta this SHELL! http://www.kurts-smilies.de/smilie-ei.gif

I HATE http://www.kurts-smilies.de/kopfpatsch.gif that I keep bashing my http://www.kurts-smilies.de/wut.gif head against the wall-- and it all seems so futile http://www.kurts-smilies.de/wut3.gif!

That being said, just want you to know, it means everything to me-- you're my http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-037.gif friend-- cause I need all the http://www.kurts-smilies.de/help3.gif I can get!

--and praise the lord, for http://www.websmileys.com/sm/crazy/071.gifEVERYONEhttp://www.websmileys.com/sm/crazy/071.gif on this bb!:D


so-- how's it going with YOUhttp://therawfoodsite.com/forum/images/smilies/confused.gif